Notices by Col (kibcol1049@mstdn.social)

@steter @lipservant @Arentol As long as they were clean!
Police: Your son has been rushed to the hospital.
Mum: Are his underpants clean?

If you have underpants with the days of the week on them, once you get the order wrong you can never get it back unless you go a day without wearing pants. As I've learned.

@Arentol 👍🤣

@lipservant @Arentol You're right - I feel silly now.🫣

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out!"
Erma Bombeck

A nursing home in the Netherlands offers free rent to college students in exchange for their time and companionship. The solution addresses two problems at once: a shortage of student housing and loneliness among seniors, since recent studies have found that intergenerational friendships can mitigate stress, lower depression, and boost self-esteem in older people.

"When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always."
Rita Rudner

India claimed to have thwarted retaliatory missile and drone strikes launched by Pakistan that attempted to hit sites in Indian-administered Kashmir, Punjab and Rajasthan.

The invitation to Buckingham Palace has paid off and the UK has become the first country to get a coveted trade deal with the United States since Trump plunged the global economy into chaos. After Rachel Reeves came home empty handed from her trip to Washington DC last month, there had been fears that the UK would languish at the back of the line of countries queueing up before Trump – and to use the president’s words, “kissing my ass” – to try to secure concessions from the sweeping tariffs.

Donald Trump appears to be the type of person who would leave the house for no reason just so the dog will make a fuss of him when he returned.

Computer: Unable to find printer.
Me: We've talked about this, it's in the bedroom.

US stocks tumbled and the dollar weakened yesterday after Donald Trump ramped up his attacks on the chairman of the Federal Reserve. The US president described Jerome Powell – whom he appointed during his first term – as a “major loser” for refusing to cut interest rates amid concerns that the Trump administration’s tariffs will lead to inflation.

Wild chimpanzees have been filmed sharing alcohol-laced breadfruit, suggesting that human pub culture may have evolutionary roots. The boozing beasts in Guinea-Bissau chose the most over-ripe – and therefore alcoholic – fruit, and bonded over sharing it between them. 

Harvard University has filed a lawsuit against the Trump administration, alleging it is trying to “gain control of academic decision-making at Harvard”. The move comes in response to a freeze on billions in federal funding over the university’s refusal to accept demands including an attempt to enforce “viewpoint diversity” in teaching.

Humanitarian agencies have rejected the findings of an Israeli military investigation that concluded the killings of 15 Palestinian medics and rescue workers last month were caused by “professional failures”. Jonathan Whittall, the UN’s humanitarian chief for Gaza, said the report represented a lack of “real accountability”.

Thank you, America, for Andy Warhol, says Florian Illies in Die Zeit. “For the Big Mac and the iPhone, Francis Ford Coppola, Stanley Kubrick, F Scott Fitzgerald, Aretha Franklin, Edward Hopper & Levi’s 501s" “Now, goodbye.” It’s been a grand American epoch, which gave Europeans 100 years of security, pleasure, and stimulation. “Every good thing must end.” Listening to Trump, Vance, Pete Hegseth or Marco Rubio, the message is clear: “With friends like that, you don’t need enemies.”

Volodymyr Zelenskyy has dismissed Vladimir Putin’s Easter ceasefire as a fake “PR” exercise and said Russian troops had continued their drone and artillery attacks across many parts of the frontline. He said that, as of 6pm UK time on Sunday, the Russian army had violated the ceasefire “more than two thousand times”.

New York City is cutting emissions and saving money by making vegetarian meals the default in public hospitals. The hospitals have now served more than 2 million plant-based meals with reports a 98% satisfaction rate, and the average vegetarian meal costs 59 cents less than meat, so the program has also saved the city more than $1 million.

A £1.5m fund has been launched to encourage people affected by the Windrush scandal to come forward to seek compensation, as ministers finally acknowledge that many victims have felt too nervous to engage with officials from the Home Office.

Elton John and Madonna finally ended their decades-long feud. Sir Elton has repeatedly accused Madonna of lip syncing over the years, saying in 2004 that “anyone who lip syncs in public on stage when you pay £75 to see them should be shot”. But the pair said they “buried the hatchet” when they both appeared on the American TV show Saturday Night Live last weekend. “The first thing out of his mouth was ‘forgive me’,” Madonna wrote on Instagram, “and the wall between us fell down.”