Notices by JNL (jnl@hcommons.social), page 3

We both recognize that all of this is nuts. Way too hard. Cuts against things we care about.

But, here's the thing: pushing back puts us into precarity, and as currently our sole breadwinner (I mean, my PhD stipend is not literally nothing, but ... 😂 ) he feels that first and urgently. Rationally or not, he's SCARED to push back, including naming and holding to reasonable limits for our family.

The entire US system is designed to make it DANGEROUS for you to really care about others, including your family, at least by really putting them first.

If you put your family first, how will you feed them hahahaha

I'm naming all of this here because in marveling at how caught we feel and the ties we are going to have to chew through and the risks all of this will entail, WHATEVER medium term decisions we make, I realized something.

The way the US system functions, it literally treats ANYTHING AND ANYONE YOU CARE ABOUT as basically a ransom.

As a woman whose male spouse is in this kind of position, having your family back against the wall in this way also pushes you into one of two directions (leaving aside the not so secret third one): to assent, at least with your own choices and your own hours, to be uncompensated support for corporate man lifestyle, or to throw down and go just as hard, forcing a more even negotiation and division of labor and basically leaving your kids with the husk of your presence and the 'comforting' idea that money is love

I doubt anyone is taking the outrage to heart, which is good, but seeing anti-covid folx go after and tear down XoXo participants for having an event with REALLY thoughtful and layered protocol and care-filled communication is so shitty and counterproductive.

You want ZERO people to contract covid at events. I get that. We all get that and in an ideal world, we want that. XoXo wanted that ... WHILE ALSO ACKNOWLEDGING that we live in a world with friction. WHILE ALSO ACKNOWLEDGING that it can be so good and so productive and so life affirming to be together in shared space. WHILE ALSO ACKNOWLEDGING that no action or prevention is ever perfect and that it matters so much to all that we care about to try, and to try meaningfully and well.

If at this point in this decade you can't find a spiritual space in which to acknowledge that the world (as in 8 billion other people) is not going to pursue zero covid AND that better outcomes still matter, that is an issue with your own broken heart, a dark night of the soul and a terror through which we can accompany you. But lashing out with bottomless vitriol at people who actually care about outcomes, and also about YOU, amid the vast sea of people and institutions who do not, is not just unhelpful- it's pathological.

I hate covid. I hate getting covid. I hate risking covid. I hate feeling abandoned, conversationally and procedurally, as someone who gets really sick from covid.

None of this changes that I LIVE WITH PEOPLE, IN PLACES, IN THE WORLD.

It sharpens a heartbreak and highlights some questions. It encourages me to choose wisely and to make the most of the time that I have and lean in on relationships that matter to me.

This includes honing my ability to hold tension and understand systemic failure (and institutional success!!! it does exist sometimes!!!) while maintaining individual connection.

Go to the woods. Sit by the sea. Get a spiritual director or a somatic healer (lots work online; I am happy to help point you in a direction). Write. Meditate. Pray.

Do what helps your soul. It matters. You matter.

And then thank the people who are boldly trying. Those ripples matter.