Notices by Floaty Birb (floatybirb@mastodon.social)

Does anyone remember capalert, the low-budget christian movie review website run by a strange guy who insisted that various unrelated films were offensive to god? It's still around, somehow.

Anyway, I discovered that "Movieguide' is a more media-saavy version of capalert that is funded by a fossil fuel billionaire (Philip Anschutz).

So you can go there if you want a slicker website to complain about movies being too pagan or favorable toward immigrants.

Back at the rocketship, we return to a normal color palette, and we decide that the planet has a hive mind or something. Also we can't radio Earth, we think because there's ionization in the atmosphere that stops us from radioing, but I am forced to suspect that it is aliens.

Also, their mission is 5 days long. Also, the professor brought a pipe to Mars on a spaceship, because this is the 1950s.

#monsterdon

Okay, so I guess if we shoot the cool spider-bat-cone monster enough, it wanders away, slightly injured.

Having enraged the local wildlife, we walk more and find a flat area, which I'm not sure is a sea or a desert.

#monsterdon

Okay, so we farted around more in the spaceship and the girl was like "I'm scared is that because I'm a girl?" and Colonel Pilot is like "no boys can be scared too."

Then we go outside, wander in the redworld and find a giant alien monster, which we piss off by hitting it with a Machete. It looks like um... a conical tripod with a bat's face in its bottom. Anyway its mad at us, and we shoot it with our science gun but nothing happens.

#monsterdon

I like the trippy Martian landscapes in this movie with the pointy mountains and bulbous vegetation.

#monsterdon

In the anime Irresponsible Captain Tylor, there was a pipe on a spaceship, but it was like... a ghost pipe that did ghost things. Also, it was like the far future so space travel might be easy enough to accommodate ghost pipes, as well as space ghosts.

Anyway, in this movie the professor has a pipe on Mars, but maybe he doesn't smoke it. maybe it blows bubbles.

#monsterdon

We go back to the rocket and then decide to leave, instead of staying the full five days. I'm not really sure why they made this decision, since they haven't encountered any danger that they couldn't get out of. But I guess they got some information and they're scared, so they decide to leave.

But when they try to leave their rockets blast off but the ship does not move and instead just vibrates there like a massive upright vibrator.

#monsterdon

I think the Mars scenes might look better if they didn't just use red but used some sort of alternate color palette. Maybe a red-green camera instead of just "everything is red."

But I do kind of like the red effect, because its weird and makes the planet look alien.

#monsterdon

I guess the flat area is a lake. It's very still, so still that it seems dead to the Girl. We decide to wave a sensor over it, the sensor looks like a geiger counter but works like a tricorder. We swish our hands in it and determine that it is oily.

The girl says it couldn't sustain life (at least life as we know it), but I mean... they already found life and extremophiles are a thing, so I'd assume there are lake creatures too.

#monsterdon

Anyway, the astronauts start rowing toward the martian city, which consists of minimalist looking spires coming out of the water, when a big sea creature that is also a tentacle monster surfaces in front of them and rotates its eyes like a radar, so the astronauts say "Nope!" and row their boat back to land, but the tentacle monster is chasing them, so they run into their rocket, but the monster grabs one of the boys and eats him by inserting him into its jello pouch.

#monsterdon

Also, I'm giving this movie props for having a literal row boat in outer space. I would 100% want to bring a row boat into outer space.

#monsterdon

Knowing what the astronauts know now, I would assume that the Martians want to keep the rocket trapped on Mars for investigation purposes and would expect some kind of probe to analyze them.

#monsterdon

We turn off the rocket to not waste fuel, then the professor does a science and determines that they're being held by a gravitational force field, and we conclude that means aliens are keeping us her.

So we pull out an inflatable boat and use it to paddle across the lake and after some paddling we see some aliens in our funnel binoculars.

#monsterdon

In this #monsterdon we learn that electricity is loud and also any space rocket will have 5000+ components that make a horrible screeching noise.

This is a very Star Trek solution to the space monster problem (do a weird science), but I think its less engaging than a Star Trek episode because the characters are less likeable and there's no weird thoughtful angle to the dilemma to make the audience go "huh".

#monsterdon

Oh wait I forgot when we were on the lake we saw one of the weird bug guys that made the girl scream earlier sneaking around in the distance. I don't know if the astronauts noticed.

Anyway, the astronauts have decided to electrify the outside of their spaceship to get the space amoeba to go away.

#monsterdon

After watching the radio guy get eaten we close the rocket door and go inside. We open the window and see a jello monster outside. Also, the creature touched the pilot, putting slime on his arm, so he takes off his suit. The girl puts some chemical on his arm. She speculates that the monster is like a giant amoeba, based on... um... fuck... I dunno. its a space amoeba I guess.

#monsterdon

I guess some time after setting the rocket to automatic, the girl passed out, and then we go back to the present, and learn that the last tape might have the Martian's message on it. Also, the doctor explains that an amoeba infection is eating the pilot's skin, so maybe we can save him.

The pilot wakes up in a cast and starts thrashing in his hospital bed, so the nurse gives him drugs.

#monsterdon

So the professor is stressed out, then dies for no reason, then the girl wanders to the upper deck and sees that the pilot is lying in his bunk and his arm is covered with green slime, so she treats him somehow.

then seeing Mars in the rear view mirror, she putters around the control room (which is a mess now because the front came off of the computer.

#monsterdon

Okay so after we electrify our rocket, I guess the amoeba goes away, but then our radio turns on and a bug guy is on the TV and the radio says "Men of Earth we are the people of the planet Mars we give you this warning do not forget..." but then we don't see what they say because it cuts to the spaceship being in space again in its cartoon form and only the professor and the girl are there and they don't quite know what's going on.

#monsterdon