Notices by Chris Hallbeck (chrishallbeck@mastodon.social)

Trying to decide which neighbors I dislike more so I know which side of the house to hang these wind chimes.

Break in to your enemy’s home and don’t steal anything, just trim your toenails in their bed.

Hopefully soon Disney will announce they are making The Muppets: Star Wars a New Hope with Ewan McGregor as the one human actor.

Still disappointed that “keyboarding” class in high school was actually “typing” and not a classroom full of Casio synthesizers.

Me: “Actually, advertising doesn’t work on me! I’m immune to that nonsense!”

(Sees a gif of E.T. lifting his glowing finger)

Me: (Somehow already driving to the grocery store to buy Reese’s Pieces.)

I heard someone say that when Tom Hanks was in his 30s he played a character that was only 13 years old. Big, if true.

My wife didn't know I had walked into the room and I farted really loud and scared her because she thought it was a ghost farting.

I call it “green tea” but technically it’s just hot Mountain Dew.

I need to start sleeping with my phone in a locked box so I actually sleep instead of reading the Wikipedia article on electromagnetism at 2am.

*continuously rewriting email replies to make them sound less and less sarcastic*

Me: I’ve always liked having two thinner pillows stacked like this and then I can take one away if I need it really flat or I can fold one in half if I need extra height! What about you?

My wife: No, this is not what i meant by pillow talk. Just go to sleep.

It’s weird being a kid and being excited by cartoons and reading comics and playing with action figures and then suddenly one day you’re an adult and excited about getting a good deal on dishwasher soap.

*take your kid to work day*
Son: So, you just sit in a chair?
Me: I'm writing.
Son: And taking a nap?
Me: That's what writing looks like.

*tips my hat to a basket of clean clothes*

M’laundry.

To get your adult name, take your childhood first name and replace it with “I’m so” and then change your last name to “tired.”

I want to see a local ice cream truck put on snow tires and drive around selling hot chocolate, shovels and sidewalk salt.

When I was a kid, I saw a sign on a building that said “Adult Book Store” and legitimately thought it meant “Those boring books with all the words and no pictures.”

If anyone has a suggestion on where to buy Q-tips in bulk, I’m all ears.

Feeding time.

Noise canceling headphones.
Fear canceling goggles.
Emotion canceling ice cream.