Notices by Preston von Gabbleduck (backupbear@aus.social), page 2

The year is 3349. Humanity has been extinct for centuries. A new civilisation of sentient Chickens has arisen.

One such chicken discovers a room with one pulsing light in it. Still powered by feebly working solar panels.

They press a button.

There's a whirring, churning noise and the small Brother laser printer, the last remnant of humanity spits out a test page without issue.

Boomer investors: "If young people would just stop ordering so many coffees, they would be able to afford a house."

Boomer managers: "Young people must return to the office so they can buy coffee and prevent cafes from going broke."

Beginning to think the problem is not the young peoples.

"Dear Sir, we are reaching out to you to advise that your account data has been regrettably exposed in a data breach.

To help secure yourself from cyber-impersonation, we recommend taking the following immediate steps:

1. Change your name. Use a mix of upper and lower case characters, numbers and symbols. For instance, have you considered the potential benefits in a name such as 'P3t3r $mithe_'?

2. Move to a country in a significantly different time zone that you can claim a change of your birthday (+/- 1 day).

3. If you have children, send them to live with their Nanna and adopt new children with different names.

4. If you have pets, dispose of them.

5. Failing the above, we recommend moving to a small roughly built log-cabin in the Mongolian Hinterlands and becoming a hermit. Be sure to leave no forwarding address.

Again we regret that your data has been exposed in a #DataBreach and if you have any questions on the above, please hesitate to contact us."

Every time someone praises Wikileaks and /him/ and starts their inane rant about "if you have nothing to fear you have nothing to hide" and therefore what Wikileaks was doing was good, I immediately go to this.

https://www.thepinknews.com/2016/08/23/wikileaks-outs-gay-people-in-saudi-arabia-in-reckless-mass-data-dump/

@hannu_ikonen I read "My existence hurts" as one of the simplest/elegant summaries of adulthood possible :)

Mini-blep! #CatsOfMastodon

Open web page:

1. Dismiss popup with some shit I don’t even read
2. Do the cookie dance
3. Dismiss popup lower-right corner asking me if I’d like to chat to Shazelle, the autobot director of despair
4. Answer ‘No’ to the stupid popup asking me if I’d like to accept notifications from the page
5. Increase browser font size.
6. Page dynamically readjusts.
7. Increase font size.
8. Page dynamically readjusts.
9. Increase font size you BASTARDS.
10. Start reading.
11. Popup, “How would you rate our site?”
12. Become a hermit.

Guy: <gets very weird on Grindr, I’ve had enough and block>
Half an hour later: <Same guy, new profile> “Why did you block me?”

Oh dear, you fucking answered your own question.

Me: "I finally achieved Inbox Nero."
Them: "Don't you mean Inbox Zero?"
Me: "No, I played some music while I burnt it all down."
Them: "That sounds way better. How do I sign on?"

Dear $retailer. Just because I bought 3 products from you in an order should not mean I have to:

- Unsubscribe from your inspo emails
- Unsubscribe from your updates
- Unsubscribe from your exciting-new-collaboration-with-another-product emails
- Unsubscribe from your emails asking me to review product 1
- Unsubscribe from your emails asking me to review product 2
- Unsubscribe from your emails asking me to review product 3
- Unsubscribe from your emails asking me to rate your company
- Unsubscribe from your emails asking me to rate my general shopping experience

Signed,
Every. Internet. User.