Notices by AaronDavid (aarondavid@mastodon.world)

@prettygood

It's often said that you should live every day as if it were your last, so I'm sitting in an armchair, gazing out of the window, connected to an ECG machine, using my jeans as a toilet, drinking cider, alternately weeping and masturbating, crying 'what a waste' over and over again

#Alt4Me

I love the phrase "bear with me" because it either means "be patient" or "the zoo heist was a success."

@BeAware No, only Pokemon Green

Remember this stuff? It was known as 'flup soup' in the ads. I just had it for tea and it wasn't terrible. Just need some olde Englishe Spangles to finish off

Fun tip: Next time you see someone crying, ask them if it’s because of their haircut.

I have to assume David Beckham has had his hair cut in every men's hairdresser's in Britain; they all have a picture of him in their windows. What a fine example of supporting small businesses. Marvellous!

Txt STOP to opt out of updates on Top Secret US war plans.

For the record, I'm not Irish or part Irish, therefore I won't be celebrating St Patrick's day. I'm English and part Welsh. I forgot to celebrate St David's day but I'll make a point of getting completely pissed for St George next month

@feld @vwdasher The only occasions when I've ever pressed 'delete' were 'ctrl alt delete'

@vwdasher "Click on 'start'." "Hey buddy, I'm not Bill Gates."

@fredbrooker He's of absolutely no relevance to me

The stock market is tanking so badly it almost feels like we are being governed by someone who went bankrupt six tim—
Oh wait.

Nine years heartiversary today (and tomorrow). I was fifty and became convinced I wouldn't make it to fifty one. I'm fifty nine and a granddad and I'll be sixty in September. A couple of years ago I'd have said 'I might be sixty' or 'I'll be sixty if I'm lucky'. Now, I will be sixty. #upyoursdeath

https://youtu.be/5VGLPP70Xtw?

Heinz English mustard is crap. Message ends

???

@BeAware 😀 People are dying to give it a go

In 1999 American restaurant chain Hooters held a competition where the employee who makes the most sales will win a Toyota. The lady in the picture below made the most sales but instead of being given a Toyota she was given a Toy Yoda and told the whole thing was an April Fools joke.
She ended up suing the company for fraud and with her winnings she bought a Toyota!