Notices by Stefan (stefanthinks@beige.party), page 3

I have a doula joke, but I need help with the delivery.

“The problem with posting poignant societal insights that your toddler makes is that no one believes they really said it, and I think that speaks a lot about the cynicism of society.” – my toddler

I'm at a point in my life where every celebrity who is younger than 35 seems to have a name that could belong to a quirky character in a book by Kurt Vonnegut.

Sharks, I am so excited to present you with an amazing opportunity. I am asking for 5 million dollars for 10% in equity to change the game in advertising: a literal giant shark tank that businesses can pay to add a sticker of their logo so they can claim “as seen on shark tank” in their ads.

Me: I have a few minutes to kill, let me check the socials real quick

[30 yrs later, I look up from phone]

Me: Damn, where did the time go?

[I see a state information hologram broadcast]

News Anchor: Today, President Skibidi Toilet signed a historic peace treaty with the King of Gooplandia...

They should invent a cocaine that is healthy for you.

The ninth year of pointing out how MAGA are hypocrites with logic and data is going to be the one that changes their minds, I know I said the same thing years 1-8, but this time I am pretty sure it is going to work.

Back in my day, when we couldn't deal with medical debt, we didn't murder CEOs, we started cooking meth to follow a character arc that led us to become villainous cartel bosses to kill, or be despised by, everyone we love only to be defeated by our own hubris.

I think the health insurance CEO assassination is really going to send a message to the other businesspeople about putting profits over people: That they need to hire bodyguards.

Might fuck around and actually be productive.

*feels tired, sluggish.*

*drinks coffee.*

*feels tired, sluggish. tummy hurts.*

My retirement plan is to sue everyone who blocked me for emotional distress because I have rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

I like to go to the park to sit under the trees and read psychology books. Shade and Freud is a guilty pleasure of mine.

People who still reference Seinfeld today would be like those who still referenced Andy Griffith, or I Love Lucy when Seinfeld was on the air.

Using homophobia and transphobia to mock public figures you don't like is still homophobic and transphobic.

It's funny how they are still called podcasts when iPods have been discontinued.

Let’s run the government like a business so only a few people at the top get incredibly rich and give everyone else a pizza party.

If I’m at a business and it has a sign with a stock photo of different minorities and a headline that says something like, “Here at CompanyCorp, diversity is the key to our success, and there is no place for discrimination,” my first thought is, “They lost a discrimination lawsuit.”

I think MAGA and Trump are awful, and that’s why I won’t follow people who use them in their avatars or profile names. They make me sick. I also think making your whole identity based on your enemy is weird. I’m sure no one will be sad I won’t follow them, that’s just my 2¢.

Sorry I haven’t been around lately, I’ve been in basic training for the war on Christmas. Finally got a R&R leave.