Notices by Staff Chief of Joints (the_etrain@beige.party), page 5

Probiotics. Antibiotics. They're both good for you. This makes no fucking sense.

So weird how it's Easter here, but it's Christmas in Australia.

It's allergy season in the northern hemisphere. If you rinse your sinuses, I implore you to spend $1 on a gallon of distilled water.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/another-dangerous-amoeba-linked-neti-162530567.html

For years, scientists have known people who use neti pots can become infected with a brain-eating amoeba if they use the wrong kind of water.

Sorry I'm late. Just got back from body doubling for John Cena last night.

Save the drama for your llama.

Hell yah I've got an HDMI. Hot dog / mouth interface. Also serves as a cereal port.

Smoke on the Water is my favorite song about the time Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg went fishing together.

@GayDeceiver
Bruce is pretty busy at night, so I'd definitely abuse this by throwing parties at his mansion.

Revamping my vocabulary. Instead of:

"goodbye" -> "stay hydrated!"

Alright, it's been fun! Stay hydrated everyone! Tell Uncle Roy I said "stay hydrated" when he wakes up from his nap!

I've found that, if someone leaves a voice mail for me at work and I ignore it, they will eventually email me, at which point I can delete both of these without ever opening them and go on with my life.

Gift cards to restaurants are like saying "I'd like to buy you a nice meal, but I don't want to be there when it happens".

Long-term exposure to incompetent bullshit does not build a tolerance.

If you boost someone's toot, your souls become inextricably intertwined. Your fates are now bound together for eternity. Seems drastic, I know, but I don't make the rules.

Welcome to Mastodon! Please be aware that if anything you post contains a question mark, you are doing so AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Congratulations on your new Neuralink! We hope you enjoy the 30 day free trial of USE OF YOUR HANDS. If you enjoy USE OF YOUR HANDS, you can subscribe to USE OF YOUR HANDS for only $5.99 / month plus applicable sales tax.

The package says this tray of enchiladas serves 8, so I guess I'm feeding 7 people with the other half of this thing.

I tell people about Mastodon and they say "yes, but are there any cats?" Sister, if there were any more cats, they'd be crawling out of the USB port on my phone.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside the wolves are two kitties. So, we've got two wolves and four kitties. With me so far? Because it gets complicated from here on out.

DA: Your honor, we enter into evidence the cement shoes the victim was found wearing as concrete evidence of premeditation.

Defense: Objection! That dad joke is meant to curry favor with the jury!

Judge: If anyone's currying anything in my courtroom, it better be buttered chicken!

Narrator: Stay tuned for this and more on the next episode of Dad Court!

Told my doctor that if she communicates with me through a portal, I expect her to dress like a sorceress.