Notices by Noah S. McKinnon (nsmckinnon@laserdisc.party)

I know what the people want on a Sunday afternoon.

Freshly groomed and, somehow, even more handsome than usual:

@siege I feel this is where trepanning could come in handy.

@siege one of my favorite Cities Connect. Only thing wrong with it is that the pink should’ve been the main color.

I say this every time we watch this movie, but it is *fucked* that Sméagol already talked like that.

Given Théoden King this: he issues Saruman exactly the correct conditions for peace.

Give Gríma Wormtongue this: it is small and strange and far too late, but he does manage one last act of loyalty.

John Noble is doing so much cheap-seats Shakespearean acting in this movie it’s incredible. Every part of his face is moving and twitching in ways I didn’t think an actor could manage without looking silly.

Denethor needs Denetherapy.

“It was not Théoden of Rohan who led our people to victory.”

Yeah, except it was your nephew who did it, out of love and loyalty to you, because Gandalf told him you stood alone. Quit the sadboi shit for two seconds.

Théoden needs Théorapy.

We’ve discussed before how the heavy bias towards male characters in these movies inadvertently helped them have a less toxic expression of masculinity, in the physical and emotional closeness between the male members of the Fellowship, but another thing that that bias enables is that one of the male leads in these movies effectively friendzones a woman all to Hell.

Théoden King has arrived at the Fields of Pelennor, also known as “when this movie gets good.”

GANDALF: Sauron has yet to reveal his deadliest servant. The one who would lead Mordor's armies in war. The one they say no living man can kill:

John Roberts.

The Rohirrim fight back the Orcs, manage to reenact the Second Punic War in real time, and kill John Rob—the Witch-King of Angmar—because they’re the only people in the world of Men who go into battle knowing they are dead already.

People who could kill the Witch-King of Angmar:

- women
- Elves
- Dwarves
- Hobbits
- Dead Men of Dunharrow
- that one guy who hangs out with Faramir and looks like a necromantized corpse

You can tell this is the movie where Peter Jackson achieved protection from the editing department. The length is what everyone else talks about, sometimes the CGI, but on top of that, there’s so much weirdass comedy in this movie. Gothmog making bleating noises while going after Éowyn? What are you doing?

I’m pretty sure I just saw Russell Wilson as one of the Rangers of Ithilien sitting by the fire in Osgiliath.

That’s not possible, but that’s what I saw. So: Gondor country, let’s ride.

Another thing I think every time I watch this movie: can you fucking imagine being one of the people who had to light these beacons? This isn’t a radio relay! You have to march up a goddamn mountain! One of these peaks is *above cloud cover!*

What these movies are teaching me is that if the Saxons had had access to potatoes, they would’ve been unstoppable.

“Gondor calls for aid.”
[beat]
“And Rohan will answer.”

Théoden, you magnificent, magnificent sadboi bastard.

It’s really too bad Gondor didn’t have a competition for Daddy Issues, or Faramir might’ve finally found an incontrovertible way to make his father proud.

I do have to say, it’s pretty refreshing that in the one interaction we see between the three of them, Boromir is willing to tell his father off for being a prick to his brother.

She could also kill the Witch-King of Angmar, and I have no doubt that she would.

All’s well that ends well, but this movie comes close to saying that Gandalf entrusted the Ring to the wrong fucking Hobbit.