Embed Notice

[Camera on TIM, sitting at the desk, beanie firmly on, arms folded, staring incredulously at the guest to his left.]

TIM:
"Okay, okay—so check this out. Dude pulls up in what I thought was a fancy German car, right? Like something you’d see cruising through Midtown with an NPR sticker and a Biden-Harris bumper magnet. Total city slicker energy."

LIBERAL GUEST:
"This car was actually made in Guatemala."

TIM:
[(leans back, scoffs, sarcastic tone loading)]
"Oh—well pardon us, Mr. Gucci Loafers. I didn’t realize we were graced by the presence of—what is it, like, the ambassador of imported virtue now?"

SEAMUS:
(cracks up, slapping the table)
"Oh my gosh. Mr. Global Supply Chain over here!"

LIBERAL GUEST:
"I bought these shoes from a hobo."

TIM:
(squints, smirks)
"Right. La-dee-da, Mr. Park Avenue Manicure. Let me guess—the hobo also had a startup and offered you equity in exchange for a five-star Depop review?"

IAN:
(nodding intensely)
"Yo, but guys—actually, like, think about that. Hobos are the last decentralized market economy. No overhead. No taxes. That’s a sovereign citizen move. I mean if he’s bartering shoes for crypto, he might be ahead of us."

SEAMUS:
(laughing helplessly)
"Ian. Please."

LIBERAL GUEST:
"I’m sorry I believe in good grooming."

TIM:
(leans in, deadpan)
"Yeah, no—we got that, dude. You believe in grooming, imports, and moral superiority. You’re basically a Whole Foods aisle with a sociology degree."

IAN:
"Bro, what if Whole Foods ran a nation-state?"

SEAMUS:
"Ian, stop talking."