@mint The more I look at this, the more that I begin to think that Elixir is the product of a deranged mind and that the language's reach has exceeded its grasp.

99% of the time that you start second-guessing the language, you're wrong and you just haven't bent your mind enough to see the language from its own perspective. It's like thinking there's a bug in the compiler when you're new to a language: the bug is almost certainly in your program, not in the compiler, and you don't understand the language well enough to have a mental model of the compiler. But when I think "No, Elixir's not terrible, you just need to think harder", I can't shake the memory of seeing ".DS_Store" come out of the zip file from the official distribution and the fact that they keep making minor releases of the language that are completely incompatible with previous versions and the entire deps thing is a goddamn fiasco and I think maybe I'm correct to second-guess the language/ecosystem when I have to hand off happy-path to another function and then handle a bunch of errors inline and then I look to see how other code handles these errors and it just pretends they didn't happen.