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Jasper is angry with me because I won’t let him outside to eat all of the #h5n1 bird flu. “I’m sure it will be fine,” he says. “You’re overreacting as usual. Stop being such a panicky alarmist.”

“Dude, do you not understand what it means that the D1.1 clad has adapted to mammalian physiology in the latest outbreak in a Nevada dairy herd?” I say, and he just glares at me.

“You are not bringing that virus into this house. Just… no. Stay inside and play with your sister,” I say.

“I’m going to piss in your headphones,” he says. “You’re going to regret this.”

“I already do, buddy. I already do.”