I wish I could hug you right now. Depression absolutely sucks and it's such a mind fuck the way it screws with our thoughts and feelings. I almost fell into alcoholism when my husband got put on hospice because I couldn't cope with that shit. But he was lucid enough to tell me not to do that to myself, so I stopped drinking, just for him, and I never went back to alcohol because of that, no matter how depressed I've felt. My mother is alcoholic and has almost no friends, everyone at her place of work hates her and talks shit behind her back. She has depression too but does nothing to help herself. I think seeing that is enough to keep me from following the same path of self destruction.