Closest "user level" version of "whitelist mode" would be to require follow requests and only share to followers, never public.
From your descriptions, you really don't want whitelist mode either (you're basically defederating yourself and cutting off practically everyone).
The ideals you expressed, like I said elsewhere, are basically impossible to achieve. You have to pick your sacrifices... either you're posts federate to platforms you don't like... or your posts don't really federate at all.
@HistoPol @jamie @oliphant @luca @PCOWandre @chronohart @snarfed @m