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It is with a heavy heart that I hereby announce that I have decided to retire my 20+-year-old Union Bay (“Quality Made Sportwear”) cargo shorts that were acquired several presidential administrations ago*. They failed to meet the following criteria:

- Have I worn them in the past 18 months?
- Can I be seen in public wearing wearing them without looking like I’m desperately trying (and failing) to look young?

May they find a loving home where their specious pockets are appreciated. Amen.