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UPDATE: IT WASN'T THE PUSHED AUTOUPDATE AT ALL. IT TURNS OUT THAT THE ACTUAL PROBLEM WAS ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE THE PROBLEM I TOLD APT TO INSTALL "FUSE". APPARENTLY IN CURRENT UBUNTU, INSTALLING "FUSE" VIA APT CAUSES THE OPERATING SYSTEM TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THIS IS A KNOWN ISSUE WHICH IS CURRENTLY "UNASSIGNED". THE PROBLEM, AS WELL AS A ONE-LINE FIX THAT WORKED FOR ME, ARE DOCUMENTED HERE https://bugs.launchpad.net/ubuntu/+source/gdm3/+bug/1717878

MY WRATH IS UNABATED BUT MY STREAM WILL BEGIN IN ABOUT FOUR MINUTES, I GUESS