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@beardalaxy
That was really hard to read.
I am so sorry for you.

I myself have experienced the problem of forcing myself to do something, that was killing my soul in this way, and making me sick. For about 3 years, I felt sick trying to finish university, but writing a "well researched 50 pages long scientific paper" I knew would be read by 2 people, was driving me insane.

And that was purely based on futility, not based on existential fear on that level. So, that had to be unimaginable.

Thank you for sharing.
Is your comunity now better?