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i feel SO UGLY.
i am not ugly.
i feel SO, SO UGLY.

i feel like my skin looks so old.
i feel like my new tattoo looks like shit & makes me look worse. (my artist added an embellishment && it looks just ..... not right.)

i can kind of fix these things. (get a touch up; do some like weirdly bougie spa shit.)
but, i have always, always struggled so deeply with self-confidence around beauty.

i have always felt so ugly.
in photos, it is apparent that i am Not Ugly,
but it is an inside feeling i do not know how to get rid of & i do not understand why it exists so strongly.

(i am having co-existing feelings of extreme boy craziness about my professor. and i am having a really hard time sleeping lately, too. i am so confused about why this particular cocktail of self-loathing is occupying my brain & body rn.)

(it's the 3 year anniversary of my very very abusive ex flying to be with me the last time. we spent 2 weeks attached at the hip; covered a police raid at the 2020 protest camp; and then he quickly fell back into his old abusive ways, so i got sadder than i ever have in my entire life & cut him off. that was followed by the darkest winter literally ever. and yeah. i wonder if this is what is in the background / is the body remembering?)

either way, i feel hideous (i know i am not.)