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   novatorine 🏴🏳️‍⚧️ (anarchopunk_girl@kolektiva.social)'s status on Wednesday, 13-Sep-2023 03:28:34 JST novatorine 🏴🏳️‍⚧️

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   @scorpiontongue I never really know what to say to this kind of stuff, but I'm sorry you're going through that. It sounds like BDD or something and that's always tough. sending support vibes 🥺

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     🏴 (scorpiontongue@kolektiva.social)'s status on Wednesday, 13-Sep-2023 03:28:35 JST 🏴

     i feel SO UGLY.
     i am not ugly.
     i feel SO, SO UGLY.

     i feel like my skin looks so old.
     i feel like my new tattoo looks like shit & makes me look worse. (my artist added an embellishment && it looks just ..... not right.)

     i can kind of fix these things. (get a touch up; do some like weirdly bougie spa shit.)
     but, i have always, always struggled so deeply with self-confidence around beauty.

     i have always felt so ugly.
     in photos, it is apparent that i am Not Ugly,
     but it is an inside feeling i do not know how to get rid of & i do not understand why it exists so strongly.

     (i am having co-existing feelings of extreme boy craziness about my professor. and i am having a really hard time sleeping lately, too. i am so confused about why this particular cocktail of self-loathing is occupying my brain & body rn.)

     (it's the 3 year anniversary of my very very abusive ex flying to be with me the last time. we spent 2 weeks attached at the hip; covered a police raid at the 2020 protest camp; and then he quickly fell back into his old abusive ways, so i got sadder than i ever have in my entire life & cut him off. that was followed by the darkest winter literally ever. and yeah. i wonder if this is what is in the background / is the body remembering?)

     either way, i feel hideous (i know i am not.)