@Terra I say this as a derby referee and officer of my league -- you are not fake and you belong in derby. You're going to get knocked on your ass. You're going to get banged up. But unless your league is full of assholes, there will always be someone to help you up, to tell you they've been there before, to help you get ready to do it again. Be patient. Be kind with yourself. Do what you must to come back again. Every time you come back is one more step in the journey.