Am I just a monster? It's been 4 years since I became a jew and I'm beginning to fear for my soul. The truth is I just don't like being around goyim for very long. Historically, this is not uncommon among jews, but today it feels almost illegal. It's causing me a lot of confusion and anguish.

The ideal amount of time I would like to spend meddling with the goyim is probably about 70-140 minutes a week—roughly ten minutes each day, maybe 2x/day, taking breaks from work. My feelings of contempt toward them are perfectly strong, but if I have to gaslight them or swindle them for more than about 10 minutes my blood starts to boil. I just want to be working, or accomplishing something. I try to be a Pharisee, but it doesn't work.

It's 9 AM this morning, Saturday, January 3. It's a sunny, warm day here in Austin, and 10,000 goyim are begging me to convince them to die for Israel. I was drinking coffee, still waking up, so I didn’t really feel like it, but in this era their desire to be subverted is insatiable. They begged and begged, so I conceded, and with a smile. I have no problem being a malicious and manipulative jew, the problem is only that I do not enjoy it. It's not that I'm trying to maximize my personal pleasure; it just seems wrong that I experience so little delight when my jew friends all claim to experience so much.

It was beautiful. We live on a picturesque, tree-lined block. I am even relatively relaxed from the holiday rest. Gaslighting the goyim is supposed to be an iconic, peak experience. Yet for every single minute, on the inside, I just don't want to be there. I want to be drinking my coffee in peace. Then I feel guilty and absurdly ungrateful, and ashamed, when we're done. I know that when the normies get redpilled, I'll long to have these days back. I have all of this perspective rationally, and I've been very patient and steadfast trying to digest it, but nothing fixes me emotionally.

Am I a terrible person? Or is my feeling within a certain range of historically normal and it's modern judaism norms that are off? Whether it's my fault or not, I don't even care, I just want to figure this out. Something is wrong and I no longer have the excuse of being new to this.