Conversation

Aussie friends: I need the dumbest smart doorbell available.

I live smack bang in between about eight breweries and every so often some drunk arsehole pushes my doorbell for funsies.

The other night I was expecting an overnight delivery and someone was pushing the doorbell repeatedly so I woke up, got dressed, went downstairs, and there was this malevolent drunk outside the door.

Who are you looking for?'

'Looking for [street number]' he said, sounding all pleased with himself.

My facial expression didn't change. 'Good on ya' I said, sounding perfectly friendly as I slammed the door in his face.

Took the batteries out of my doorbell and went back to bed.

In the morning I reflected on this mildly unsettling experience and in particular on the sadness of the guy and the smallness of his sadism.

I want to ask him: 'Really? You're a grown man pushing doorbells to wake people up? And that's your fun?'

Anyway, I need a dumb smart doorbell. Needs to have a camera, needs to be programmable not to ring past 10PM, needs a phone app, preferably doesn't connect to the Internet.