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   qualia (qualia@floofy.tech)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 11:04:44 JST qualia

   does anyone else get real bristly about the commonly applied concept of "deserving" things, regardless of whether its positive or negative

   i am taking a scalpel to some feelings about this rn

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     ✧✦Catherine✦✧ (whitequark@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 11:04:44 JST ✧✦Catherine✦✧

     in reply to

     @qualia my longtime position is "nobody deserves anything. deserve is a false concept"

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     qualia (qualia@floofy.tech)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 11:05:39 JST qualia

     in reply to

     • ✧✦Catherine✦✧

     @whitequark i am right there with you & i suppose im trying to scope out why exactly that is the case

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     ✧✦Catherine✦✧ (whitequark@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 11:05:39 JST ✧✦Catherine✦✧

     in reply to

     @qualia i think it's a common means of responsibility laundering [responsibility might not be quite the right term]

     whenever someone says "X deserves Y" it should be understood as "I want X to get Y". the "I" is an inherent, key part of it. but if they put it as "deserve" they get to omit the "I". the listeners often internalize the statement as-is and completely ignore the subjectivity inherent in someone wanting something

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     ✧✦Catherine✦✧ (whitequark@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 11:08:47 JST ✧✦Catherine✦✧

     in reply to

     @qualia related to this, a specific subtype I find very distastesful is:

     them: "X deserves to have a good life"
     me: "so you'll do something to make sure X has a good life, right?"
     them:
     me: "... right?"

   • Embed this notice
     qualia (qualia@floofy.tech)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 11:08:48 JST qualia

     in reply to

     • ✧✦Catherine✦✧

     @whitequark ah! yes. that is the thing of it. the buried subjectivity under a veneer of "morality" or "common sense" or what have you

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     ✧✦Catherine✦✧ (whitequark@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 11:43:06 JST ✧✦Catherine✦✧

     in reply to

     • byte (is having a bad time)

     @byte @qualia https://web.archive.org/web/20230515202435/https://cohost.org/whitequark/post/1419818-deserve

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     byte (is having a bad time) (byte@chitter.xyz)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 11:43:07 JST byte (is having a bad time)

     in reply to

     • ✧✦Catherine✦✧

     @whitequark @qualia it's part of somezhing i've heard described as "moral language".
     "it is wrong to X" is equivalent to "i don't like when you X".
     "you really ought to do X" is equivalent to "i want you to do X".
     "it's your responsibility to do X" is equivalent to "i and/or ozhers will be upset if you don't do X".
     all of it is subjective, but zhe use of moral language presents it as a statement of fact. it's a way of convincing people zhat what you want is universally good, instead of just. what you want.

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     ✧✦Catherine✦✧ (whitequark@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 18:57:07 JST ✧✦Catherine✦✧

     in reply to

     • :drgn: Therra :drgn_tail:
     • byte (is having a bad time)

     @Endiverge @byte @qualia personally, i would much prefer if someone told me "i want you to have good things" over "you deserve good things", the personal touch makes it that much nicer

     as for the self-hate-y stuff... ultimately only them can decide to deal with it, i think. i've never seen external intervention of this kind even move a needle. certainly didn't for me until i reflected on it and decided to stop

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     :drgn: Therra :drgn_tail: (endiverge@floofy.tech)'s status on Friday, 05-Dec-2025 18:57:11 JST :drgn: Therra :drgn_tail:

     in reply to

     • ✧✦Catherine✦✧
     • byte (is having a bad time)

     @byte @whitequark @qualia agree with this stuff in general, much as i fall into saying friends deserve things sometimes when possibly i should find better words (brains are a heck and i'm bad at this)

     i think i'm especially prone to it when i'm dealing with friends who have the self-hate-y kinda badbrain because i'm looking for all the ways to insist to them that they're better than the badbrain lets them know