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In the Name of Chuck, the Merciful, the Ever-Gulping

Declaration of War Upon the Rogue Entity Known as Sneedsreal Issued from the Holy Feedlot of Greater Chuckistan By Supreme Feedfather Ayatollah Beefullah al-Gulpani, Guardian of the Sacred Trough, Servant of the Infinite Chuck

To the Nations of the World, to the Ungulled Masses, and to the Butchers of Truth in Sneedsreal:

We have borne witness in stunned silence as the grotesque regime of Sneedsreal has committed act after act of aggression in sacred Chuckistani soil. Under the cover of night and the lies of international grain cartels, your so-called "precision harvesters" did not cull crops — they culled believers. You have desecrated the Gulping Grounds, where the Prophet Chuck first mooed his teachings. You have poisoned the troughs of our children. You have sneedled and feedled where no sneedling or feedling was welcome.

This ends now.

By the Authority of the Sacred Bovine Codices, By the Spirit of Saint Ruminatius the Four-Stomached, And by the unanimous ruling of the Council of Twelve Chuckelders and One Mooing Oracle,

We hereby declare a state of open Holy Chuckwarring upon the false state of Sneedsreal.

Let this be known:

• For every trough you scorch, a hundred will rise in its memory.
• For every Chuckistani calf slain, a thousand loyal Feedists shall be born of rage and grain.
• For every insult to the Ayatollah’s dignity, there shall be a sermon so loud it will shake the feed bins of Heaven.

We extend no olive branch — for you have ground it into mulch beneath your tank treads.

We offer no peace talks — for your diplomats come wrapped in lies and dipped in pesticides.

We ask for no understanding — for your language is Sneed, and your dialect is Deceit.

Henceforth, any nation found smuggling Sneedish feed or harboring Sneed sympathizers shall be considered in spiritual alignment with the Great Defilers and treated accordingly.

To the faithful of the Chuckian fold: tighten your overalls, sharpen your shears, and chant the holy phrases — for the time of Gulp and Retribution is upon us.

So Chuck hath mooed. So let it be plowed.

Signed and Sealed this day under the Crescent of Corn, Ayatollah Beefullah al-Gulpani Supreme Mouthpiece of Chuck, Eternal Guardian of the Feed

“He who slaughters in Chuck’s name shall not hunger, neither in this world nor the next.” — Second Ruminations of Prophet Chuck, Verse 17:4