Floaty Birb
Okay, one of the characters had a fun monologue about what strange terrors could lurk in the vastness of a glacial lake, which are thoughts I have when I want cthulu to just show up and do something spooky.
Then some boomer teens on bikes are scared by a monster that I don't think we see. Then we get some other dudes we haven't seen before to don scuba gear and start searching the bog seaweed for the cancer bog monster.
Floaty Birb
Because this is America, the gun toting townies decide that the best plan is to buy lots of bullets to shoot the monster. Which, to be fair, is a reasonable use for lots of bullets.
Meanwhile, the monster eggs they just left outside unattended got stolen by the monster in the night. It is confirmed to have Crab Hands.
Floaty Birb
This movie could have half as many scenes and still have the same number of things happen. #monsterdon
Floaty Birb
The Science Lady's plan is to make a machine that smells like blood and use it to lure the monster into a trap. The Science Gentleman's plan is to make out with the Science Lady a lot.
Floaty Birb
Our scuba boys discover some Bog Grapes in the bogweed forest and put it on their boat. After which, the bog monster or something grabs them from beneath the bog and eats them.
After shouting advice from the shore, the Science Masters decide that the Bog Grapes are eggs and discuss the safest way in which to stab them. The gentleman wants to stab them in an isolation chamber, while the lady wants to stab them now because she is very eager to study monster reproductive parts.
Floaty Birb
After the monster ate a few more people, one of the bike teens (I think) drew a picture of the monster that we don't get to see. But it has a pointy bit.
Hearing about the monsters' pointy bit stresses out Mr Garibaldi, so he does a relapse and starts pouring whisky for himself and the science masters.
Floaty Birb
Why does the gun store have a microfilche reader? Was that a common thing in 1970s gun stores?
Floaty Birb
I give this Bog movie 2/5 tungsten monster dongs, because I'm rounding up from 1.5.
It qualified as a movie but made me bored and could have done with half as many scenes and half as many characters.
The best characters were the horny elder scientists. The worst characters were the Mystery Machine fishing trip crew with their gendered whining. The moral lesson is maybe you should just leave the bog monsters alone and not detonate their bogs.
Floaty Birb
The boys wake up and decide that the bog monster has kidnapped the Science lady. So they send a fleet of rectangular 1970s cars in pursuit, but the bog monster has eluded them.
Their current theory that the bog monster has to "infuse" its mates with its bog juice, and that's how the bog witch became a bog witch and they have to rescue the science lady before she also becomes a bog witch I guess.
Floaty Birb
I have questions on why the bog monster would need humans for its reproductive cycle. There wouldn't be humans in North America before maybe 20,000 BC or so, what did its ancestors do back then?
Can the bog monster maybe also infuse non-human hosts?
Floaty Birb
Okay, well anyway, our fleet of car rectangles catches up to the bog monster, which has kidnapped the science lady. We kill it with fire.
Then the underwater camera that we paid for goes through the bogweed forest again and finds more monster eggs, which the voice over explains that they will hatch into more monsters and eat more people.
Then the credits roll and we get more lovey dovey music. It reminds me of Enka but less colorful and in English.
Floaty Birb
Shout out to my new favorite character, Lake Seaplane. Fuck yeah I love a good surprise seaplane.
Floaty Birb
Because we captured a fish monster, we summoned a fish scientist to study it. He arrives in a Lake Seaplane because that's how all fish scientists commute to work. They take him to look at the monster, which is being gently showered, and he decided it looks pretty cool.
They already sent its DNA off to the DNA scientist. He asks why the fish monster is friends with the bog witch and why it didn't eat her. Science Lady furtively takes another blood sample.
Floaty Birb
We decide that the fish monster gets horny for human women or something, like the science lady is probably horny for all types of monster boys. While the science gentleman and the fish scientist are hanging out drinking whisky in a trailer, the bog monster wakes up and attacks the science lady; I am unsure if it killed her or kidnapped her to take her to its boggy lair.
Floaty Birb
Shout out to my new favorite character, Screaming Country Firetruck.
Floaty Birb
We summon like 50 people to the lake to fight the monster via firehoses filled with deadly poison soap. We finally see the monster; it is a fishman with legs. It kills Mr. Garibaldi. RIP.
But, the poison soap knocks it out so we tie it up and put in into a truck for science. It's still alive, so we can study it.
It will probably eat someone else, because unfortunately this movie is not over yet.
Floaty Birb
Oh wait I need to issue a correction; the best character was actually the mysterious bog witch. Shout out to the bog witches, one of my favorite genders.
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