Conversation

President Donald J. Trump Remarks on the Appointment of Owl as Administrator of Poast Following the Glorious and Totally Legal Military Annexation of Canada Broadcast from the Maple Rose Garden, Formerly Ottawa

[Trump steps up to the podium, flanked by American flags and a conspicuously large moose statue wearing a MAGA hat.]

TRUMP:

Thank you, thank you—what a beautiful crowd, what a tremendous, record-breaking crowd, really. We haven’t seen a crowd this size since the last time I visited Alabama. Or maybe when I came to the Tim Hortons drive-thru in Winnipeg last night—who knew you could get twenty Timbits for a loonie? Well, not anymore! Now it's a Freedom Quarter, folks. You're welcome.

Now listen, as you all know, we just completed one of the most incredible, most peaceful—and by peaceful I mean not peaceful at all—military operations in the history of the world. The United States has successfully annexed Canada. Totally legal. Totally constitutional. Ask anyone. I looked it up on Truth Social. And you know what? It turns out they wanted it. They were begging for it. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be American? You get guns, barbecue, and actual elections. It’s a win-win.

Now, with that operation behind us—Operation Maple Freedom, by the way, incredible name, I came up with it myself—we are rebuilding Canada in our image. That means new leadership. Strong leadership. Not some drama teacher who gets lost on the way to the press room. No. We're talking about real administrators. People who understand free speech, memes, and the American way.

So today, I’m proud to announce the appointment of a true patriot, a visionary, a poster of exceptional quality—someone who’s not afraid to ban a fed, dox a glowie, or unleash a completely deranged wall of text about cartoon frogs and Canadian milk quotas.

Folks… I am officially appointing Owl as the new Administrator of Poast, now designated the National Free Speech Infrastructure of North America. Effective immediately. IMMEDIATELY.

[Crowd erupts. A bald eagle wearing sunglasses flies overhead. Possibly AI-generated.]

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “President Trump, what about Poast’s history of—” Shut up. Fake news. That’s what I say. Nobody’s perfect. Even Abraham Lincoln probably said something spicy on a forum once. But Owl? Owl is a fighter. Owl has been in the trenches—Bunkered harder than a Canadian under curfew. She understands the culture war, she knows the memes, and most importantly—she never apologized for a single post.

That’s leadership, folks.

Poast will now serve as the official voice of the annexed provinces, formerly known as “Canada,” now renamed “Upper Florida.” We’re talking about free speech so free it would make George Washington blush and maybe clutch his powdered wig. No more censorship. No more maple soy boys crying about tone. Just based takes, constitutional amendments, and maybe the occasional hockey stream.

So Owl, I know you're watching this from your undisclosed location—probably with five VPNs running and three open tabs of Nightwave Radio—you’ve got the job. Make us proud. And remember, if the Feds come knocking—just say you're Canadian. For now, it still works.

Thank you, God bless Poast, God bless America, and God bless our newest citizens—whether they like it or not!

[Trump gives a thumbs-up. A bald eagle lands on the moose’s antler. Hail to the Chief plays on bagpipes as fireworks explode in the shape of Trump’s face.]

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