Floaty Birb
Launching my #monsterdon thread for #TheGorgon, a movie in which I guess people get stoned. Or gorged. If that's a word.
Anyway, Monsterdon is a thing where we watch a monster movie every week and make fun of it. If that sounds cool, feel free to join us every week (or read along). If that is not your jam, then consider muting the hashtag to better enjoy your mastodon experience.
Anyway, let the Gorging commence!
Floaty Birb
In the next next scene, Professor Dadbeard is working on his Inu Yasha fanfiction, when he hears Beautiful Etheral Singing outside that the audience knows is incredibly spooky.
He wanders around the garden a little bit looking for a shard, then wanders out in the woods outside the castle, passing the ominous little free library pole shrine as the moon shines above, also ominously. Also, ominous music plays. Uh oh.
Floaty Birb
Unrelated, I think we need to bring back having weird little shrines on poles in the middle of the woods. That seems like a good cultural tradition.
I'll go make a pole shrine to Mercury, or Cthulu or the Tezcatlipoca or somebody and put it in the woods one of these days.
Floaty Birb
Okay, so Judge White Goatee decides that Bruno was the murderer who killed the girl and then himself in a fit of rage. Because no one mentioned that the body of the girl was turned to stone, this sounds plausible to the court.
Major oversight there... doctor muttonchops, major oversight.
Floaty Birb
So Madam Carrot Top is freaking out, saying the dead girl is somewhere in the house with them or something... maybe in spirit. She asks why Doctor Muttonchops didn't mention the whole turned to stone thing... I don't remember what his answer was but it was probably evasive, because he seems to Know More Than He Seems.
Floaty Birb
Doctor Muttonchops is visited by the dad of the dead guy, who I will call Professor Dadbeard, who tells him the Legend of the Gorgon, and Doctor Muttonchops tries to quietly warn him off. Professor Dadbeard plays Mage: The Ascension so he believes in supernatural things, while Doctor Muttonchops is a technocrat who at least pretends not to.
Floaty Birb
In the next scene, Professor Dadbeard is chilling in his art warehouse, when an angry mob throws a torch in through the window and tries to burn his house down; his posse responds by trying to put the fire out with a broom.
Then the Pointy Hat Cops arrive and chase the angry mob away, then apologize that they can't prevent crimes because they're understaffed or something.
I am not sure why the angry mob was mad; unfortunately I missed that important detail while shitposting.
Floaty Birb
So Shauna apparently gets more lost, and sees a little shrine on a pole that resembles a Little Free Library, but for Jesus or somebody like that. Then the moon stares at her and she screams and dies... or maybe becomes a werewolf. I think she dies though.
Floaty Birb
The scene cuts to a town, where Peter Cushing is playing a victorian scientist/doctor, with suitably Victorian facial hair. We learn he is about to perform an autopsy, aided by his servant, Madam Carrot Hair.
Despite his facial hair being very British, this is probably in Germany, because he has to talk to a policeman, who is wearing one of those hats with the spike on it. I will call him Chief Spike.
Floaty Birb
Okay, so they're wheeling the body in, and then a finger snaps off, causing Madam Carrot Hair to Scream Loudly. And the body is all gray because the body has been Turned to Stone; it is the body of Shauna. But like, the stone is very soft and snappy... like chalk or something.
And Dr Muttonchops is like "I cannot do this autopsy; the dead person is stone" and the audience is like "yeah, that makes sense."
Floaty Birb
So this turns into Imperial German Law and Order, where more cops with pointy caps are running through the woods doing a search, and they find a dead guy hanging from a tree and its Bruno.
We then go to the court, where judge White Goatee is presiding over the investigation. We meet Bruno's dad and hear that Bruno was a bohemian, like in Moulan Rouge... Mulan Ridge... Moolan... uh... the musical with the absinthe in a fancy brothel.
Floaty Birb
So #TheGorgon starts with a slide show showing us a cool castle surrounded by leaves, along with eerie music. Encouragingly, both Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing are in this movie. We then get a quick infodump from some words that go by fast... we learn the castle is called "Borski" and there's some kind of ancient monster there or something.
Then the scene cuts to a painter drawing some boobs.
Floaty Birb
Okay, so the painter guy is named "Bruno" and the boobs he is painting are attached to a brunette whose name I didn't learn, but I shall call her "Shauna" because that seems fine. We learn that Shauna is pregnant with Bruno's kid, causing Bruno to run to tell her dad to either arrange a shotgun wedding or a shotgun funeral, I'm not sure which.
Anyway, Bruno runs off into the woods and then Shauna later runs off into the woods, so both of them can get lost in the dark.
Floaty Birb
In the next next scene, Doctor Muttonchops is discussing the mysterious death of Professor Dadbeard with his friend, who I will call Inspector Nick, and describes it as heart failure, but we all know that's bullshit because the dude turned to stone. They read Doctor Muttonchops last testament and mention Megara; I forgot who she was in classical mythology but is probably someone Gorgon related.
Floaty Birb
Okay, so Inspector Nick is also the son of Professor Dadbeard (RIP) and brother of Bruno (RIP). He's wandering around and has a conversation with a ginger lady who I think is Madam Carrottop but might also be someone different... I guess the characters without confusing facial hair need to wear hats for me to tell anyone apart in this movie.
Floaty Birb
Okay, so we've decided to assemble the Research Team, comprising Doctor Muttonchops, Madam Carrothair and Inspector Nick.
Learning that Professor Dadbeard was a Mythology Expert, and we learn that Megara was one of the Medusa ladies in Ancient Greece, which was a cool place with lots of snake monsters and horny gods and things, and that looking at her would turn you to stone.
Floaty Birb
I was originally thinking that Doctor Muttonchops knew more than what he thought, but now I'm thinking his skepticism of the weird people turning to stone bullshit was due to him being a Serious Scientist who doesn't put up with mythological shenanigans, despite him being in a monster movie.
So he's Scully I guess. But Peter Cushing Scully.
Floaty Birb
Okay, so taking the bad advice, Professor Dad Beard follows the Beautiful Ethereal Singing voice into the abandoned castle that's been trashed; he furthers its trashing by tripping on things and disturbing some innocent pigeons who were probably peacefully pooping over the castle ruins.
Eventually, he glimpses a Beautiful Spooky Lady hiding behind a mirror, then screams and runs outside.
Floaty Birb
In the next scene, we see that Professor Dadbeard is back in his fanfiction library, when a servant disturbs him and we see that he is stoned! As in, his skin is all gray now and he is gradually turning to stone; he warns the servant away.
Releasing that he is doomed to be a clue in a monster mystery, he starts writing a letter to Doctor Muttonchops explaining that a monster is turning people into stone and only Doctor Muttonchops can resolve this because he is a Science Master.
Floaty Birb
I'm suspecting that Madam Carrothair might be gorgon in disguise, just because she is often around when the Gorgon is mentioned and also her hair is big enough to hide snakes in it.
Floaty Birb
Because we need the body count to go higher, Inspector Nick wanders off into the night, explores a fancy stone garden, sees a snake lady's reflection in the mirror then freaks out and we see him in a hospital bed, possibly being turned to stone before being woken up by Madaam Carrothair.
Also we found another dead lady, who is also in the ward, having been discovered by Rectangular Labcoat Man, she spat in his face and then died. #monsterdon
Floaty Birb
So Inspector Nick recounts that he was wandering around the woods then saw a snake girl, and she was the most horrible thing he's ever seen, which is not a nice thing to say about snake girls.
He then has a nightmare that she was around the house and he almost saw her, but Madam Carrothair comforts him, saying it was a dream. In the morning he looks a lot older, but is not a statue. He is trying to convince Doctor Muttonchops to help him investigate the monster.
Floaty Birb
Oh wait, that was wrong, they are the same character, named Carla. Okay, I retract my confused retraction. #monsterdon
Floaty Birb
I think I was also conflating Edna (I think that's her name? Doctor Muttonchops' wife?) with Madam Carrothair (the nurse lady) earlier in this thread.
I am not always a reliable #monsterdon narrator, but I am probably extra unreliable with this movie; mayhaps all the baffling facial hair has confounded my pattern recognition abilities.
Floaty Birb
Inspector Nick has decided to continue his investigation by doing some graverobbing... he digs up a body and finds that it was turned to stone... I think it was his dad. Then Madam Carrothair, also known as Carla, also a character with suspiciously big hair, encounters him and is all mysterious like in a spooky cloak, but they have a relatively normal spooky conversation.
Inspector Nick asks her to leave Doctor Muttonchops and elope, but she won't, so there is Drama.
Floaty Birb
Okay, so Christopher Lee appears in the guise of a guy with a floppy hat who is I guess is a monster hunter doing an investigation. Then Doctor Muttonchops is doing an autopsy, which involves removing a brain and putting it in a wet jar to make a mixed drink for sober mind flayers.
He then has a conversation with Carla, where we reveal that the Doctor does have gorgon knowledge, and thinks the gorgon has taken human form but he won't explain more until he is Sure.
Floaty Birb
Alright, I think I realized why I'm confusing basic details in this movie and its that it relies a lot on careful dialog and tightly written scenes to reveal plot and backstory, which is hard to follow when I'm also trying to live toot it. It sort of give me murder mystery vibes, where each scene has a bunch of context clues buried in it.
Floaty Birb
Okay, so I missed part of the movie due to distraction, but what's going on is that the monster hunter guy, who I will call Saruman Mustache, now suspects that Madam Carrothair is possessed by the spirit of the Gorgon (Megara, who died 2000 years ago), who turns her into a medusa lady every full moon, like a snake girl werewolf and then she has some amnesia.
Also, there's the weird love triangle between Madam Carrothair, Inspector Nick and Doctor Muttonchops.
Floaty Birb
After some confusing running around and acting at each other, we reach another full moon night, and Mustache Saruman slaps Inspector Nick because drama, and then the later sneaks out at night.
Admittedly, by this point I've kind of given up on the plot and am just waiting for the snake lady to turn more people to stone. Go snake lady go!
Floaty Birb
After Inspector Nick goes sneaking out, the cops show up to arrest him for something... I'm gonna guess he was making fun of their hats. Because all cops are bastards, Mustache Saruman declines to cooperate with their administrative warrant and throws a door at them, then also sneaks out, so multiple people can be chasing the Gorgon.
Floaty Birb
As our plot characters converge on the castle, Inspector Nick discovers Doctor Muttonchops is also there, waiting for (Carla / the Gorgon / Madam Carrothair) with a sword, like a maniac. Then we have a Sword versus candlestick battle, where muttonchops are proven stronger than not having muttonchops.
Floaty Birb
The winning Doctor Muttonchops goes to fight Madam Carrothair, but then she turns into the Gorgon and starts sprouting snakes from her head. Also her eyes turn all red and her dress is green now. She repels him with her gaze then turns to fight Inspector Nick, who she also turns to stone.
But while she's doing that Mustache Saruman sneaks up behind her with a sword and decapitates her, and her snake head turns back into her normal Gigantic Hair Head.
Floaty Birb
Mustache Saruman announces that Madam Carrothairhair is free now, and the Inspector Nick, whose real name was Paul I guess, dies. Then the movie ends.
Floaty Birb
I award #TheGorgon 3 out of 5 poorly articulated headsnakes.
I would have given it 2 out of 5 because I spent most of it bored and confused, but due to an excess of mercy on my part, I gave the last #monsterdon movie I saw 2 out of 5 something or others, and that last movie was Invasion of the Star Creatures, which was indeed, a lot worse than this one.
So like, 3 out of 5 I guess. yeah.
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