Green Roc Thoughts
@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic
Thank you... I am stuck in a habit of apologizing where I'm ordered to apologize by some people. I am quite confused when some people say I say sorry too much.
I fail to comprehend or see the middle ground of the apology thing.
Yohan Yukiya Sese Cuneta 사요한🦣
For me, I process it this way in my brain:
1. Did I say anything wrong? No?
Then just say “excuse” or “pardon me” but not to “apologise” or say “sorry”.
* If they still don't accept it, then they open up an opportunity for me to explain, and I will explain.
2. Was it intentional on my part, even slightly?
Then, yes, I'll apologise. My usual spiel “I'm sorry, I truly am, it was uncalled for” or “I'm sorry, the situation just didn't sit right with me”. No further explanations, just that.
If they want me to be detailed, then I tell them “I won't explain in details because then it will sound as an excuse and more likely than not, you'll tell me I'm making excuses”. ^_~
3. This one I avoid. I'll apologise anyway if it will be for their peace and happiness.
While it sounds “good”, I consider it empty and fake, and open for abuse and misinterpretation.
This option is like showing to people who don't understand us, autistics, that we were indeed wrong and they were right. When in reality, we were just being peaceful or reconciliatory, but they understood it differently.
Yohan Yukiya Sese Cuneta 사요한🦣
That said. There are also cultural considerations. I'm not sure about your culture, so I don't know why it became a habit to apologise.
In our culture, we're a “thank you” culture. We often say “thank you” even in cases where it's inappropriate (which makes it funny, usually).
We also have fewer things we consider “rude”. For example, in other cultures, it is rude to ask anyone's age, especially from women. In our culture, we don't have such a social rule. But at the same time, it is not required to know and ask someone's age, compared to Korea where asking someone's age is important so they can use proper language.
However, it is strongly practised in our culture to use the proper language, just like in Korea! ^_^ Confusing? Not exactly. The difference is, in Korea, proper language is strictly based on age and hierarchy; while for us Filipinos, it's based on how you look and hierarchy. So, if you look older (even if you're not), it's expected you'll use proper language, otherwise, you're rude.
But, the person will immediately “correct” you while laughing and tell that you're practically the same age.
In that example, it's better to play safe with using the proper language than to be considered rude. Otherwise, you will indeed need to apologise.
But, do you need to apologise if you incorrectly guessed a person's age and used language meant for people older than you?
Nope. You don't have to and no one expects you to. As I mentioned earlier, that person will more likely be laughing and making a joke about it. You can still choose to apologise if you want, the good thing is, you can apologise while making a joke about it, and laugh too. (It's so hard to explain, our expression is “sorry naman, muka ka kasing lolo/lola ko” (hey, I'm sorry, you look like my grandpa/grandma, I thought you're older) while you're all laughing).
Last, but not the least, in our culture, it's rare to hear someone telling others they were rude. It only happens with family members, or if the other party is way older than you or higher in hierarchy.
If it happens that you don't know them, and someone informs you they're this and that (say a politician), then you can apologise casually. Yep, casually only. Just say, you didn't recognise them, or you're bad with remembering names and/or faces. If you apologise seriously, it will make the other party look bad; and it might come back at you as well.
So, yep, cultural considerations.
Just as how it is in our culture to say “thank you” a lot, it probably was in your culture where people apologise a lot, or tell people “they're rude” a lot?
In that case, it will indeed be hard to adjust. There are social expectations, and you've grown into it.
But, yeah, if you can practice, just think “was it my fault?” I believe, most of us autistics, we know when we're at fault and we do apologise in those situations. ^_^
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