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   CJ Bellwether (siege@octodon.social)'s status on Sunday, 25-Feb-2024 04:49:00 JST CJ Bellwether

   when i finally realised 1+1=2 and stopped being a disaster drag queen go go dancer and crossdressing vibe girl who was into women, and became a trans girl i assumed i'd continue to do all of the above but better now i had gotten out of the way of myself.

   My third job at that point was working as the photo editor and lighting assistant to a genderfuck photographer working semi-queer/semi-kink theatre and events, and who was sexually into drag queens and crossdressers in an odd way she couldnt express, but as i and her discovered, she was not into trans girls. I had somehow demarcated from her desire with a single word.

   As my "i want to be a man but gaia has cursed me to forever be a moon woman" newly ex-girlfriend of a week before had put it succinctly "I was into all the genderbending stuff but this, gestures to me this just isnt hot".

   At the same time i found my value as a dancer on stage, working events, or as an immersive performer immediately dropping like a stone for many who previously booked me. As time went on i was replaced with other disaster drag queens, who when they decided they were women were replaced with drag kings, and so on and i just kept shifting further to the sidelines, first just holding the light, then just designing the flyers, then only contacted in absolute emergencies at last minute, and then nothing.

   But early on in this awkward ostracizing of myself into the basement away from the shop front, in my awkward attempts to get through day while my body was on fire, as i held the LED lighting rig, a foot away from these (absolutely lovely) drag queens heads, at the perfect 3/4 angle, focused intently on every contour of their face to make sure the light didnt shift even a milimetre, i had to continually struggle with my own screaming internal discomfort about myself and my validity as a woman that their beautifully lit bone structure echoed.

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     CJ Bellwether (siege@octodon.social)'s status on Sunday, 25-Feb-2024 05:43:43 JST CJ Bellwether

     in reply to

     Jobs stopped being offered pretty much immediately.

     i shifted into the drag king scene which was 95% self identifying trans men and transmasc nonbinary people - basically everyone except one troupe who had more academic artistic goals for the medium. I was excited to be around friends who were open about exploring drag as a means of self expression or inner desire and conflict as they wrestled with questions on if they wanted to medically transition.

     Id stand in the crowd hearing cis lesbians next to me talk about how hot my friend on stage was while misgendering them as a woman. To compensate i broke cover and cheered on my friend, my voice breaking in tone, causing the women to shoot looks over their shoulder at me and edge away as the invader come to ruin their objectification space with my dirty male gaze.

     Then the hyper queen (female drag queen) came on stage to do her routine at the half point, her 5 minute set was around lesbians only wanting one thing; vaginas.

     my earlier thoughts of how and what shape of drag king performance i might do crystalized suddenly into the thought that i clearly had to play up to those fears. That id be the wrestling heel. Not cheers but boos id look for from the crowd. Dick Pick, the true biological male, an alt right safe space invader come to trick queer women into dating him, obsessed with satire fascist/hyper capitalist characters from films, unaware they were satire and just thinking they were the cool.

     The idea made the drag kings around me nervous, and put things on edge if i mentioned it - it was maybe too much, it might create an unpositive space for the audience, not in the spirit of what drag king should be, you need to love your king persona you see. I took my cue and exited the scene.

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     CJ Bellwether (siege@octodon.social)'s status on Sunday, 25-Feb-2024 06:08:56 JST CJ Bellwether

     in reply to

     there isnt a very neatly wrapping up way to end this odd story, the pattern repeated itself a lot and my career of 12 years as an actor, as an event performer and vibe girl just came to a grinding halt within months.

     Over time i came to terms with my own womanhood and found a way to get compensation through buying better leather boots to look hot in and make the queens jealous.

     And later i got to the point where i could accept that the transmisogyny of subtle ostracizing from queer space as a performer came from others discomfort with their own internal sexual and gender battles as they tried to get out of their own way and that was something i couldnt change or have done differently.

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     CJ Bellwether (siege@octodon.social)'s status on Sunday, 25-Feb-2024 06:32:09 JST CJ Bellwether

     in reply to

     • Sasha Göbbels 🐿️

     @sashag yeah, every year her egg gets a little more rotten which is sad.

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     Sasha Göbbels 🐿️ (sashag@chaosfem.tw)'s status on Sunday, 25-Feb-2024 06:32:11 JST Sasha Göbbels 🐿️

     in reply to

     @siege Thank you for sharing this 💕

     And how incredibly wrong your "newly ex-girlfriend" was!

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     Sleepy time tea bear (sleepytimeteabear@octodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 28-Feb-2024 01:16:36 JST Sleepy time tea bear

     in reply to

     @siege "i want to be a man but gaia has cursed me to forever be a moon woman" 💀🙃 I want to be the chicken of tomorrow, but the moon won’t let me be the man of today (also you know my feelings on how you were treated)

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     Sleepy time tea bear (sleepytimeteabear@octodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 28-Feb-2024 01:17:25 JST Sleepy time tea bear

     in reply to

     @siege god I love you