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An Open Letter to President Donald J. Trump and the United States Government From the Sovereign Authority of Heard Island Dear Mr. President and Esteemed Members of the United States Government, It has come to our attention, via what we assume must have been a clerical error—or perhaps an overzealous intern armed with a dartboard—that the United States has imposed a 10% tariff on goods from Heard Island. Given that Heard Island is an uninhabited, windswept rock in the middle of the Southern Ocean, home only to glaciers, penguins, and the occasional confused seabird, we must express both our profound confusion and begrudging admiration at your commitment to economic policy. We are eager to comply with all international trade regulations, though we must admit we are at a bit of a loss as to what precisely you intend to tax. Our chief exports include: - Penguin chatter, which, while priceless, is difficult to monetize. - Glacial ice, which may become a hot commodity, though we were under the