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Content Warning: Needles, and drug related medical stuff (panic attacks)How and Why Everything Happened

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However, after looking away from the picture of cats, I felt like a long time passed. I was disoriented, because for some reason I believed I was with the cats (back in our home). I also had the sudden realization we got these cats 4 years ago. For some reason, I remember feeling as if we just got the cats, but the logic part of me heavily contradicted that position. That made me scared and panic, because one moment to the next I felt as if I've forgotten the last four years of my life. For some reason, my sense of time was completely lost. The hyperfocus on the images of my cats lead to me forgetting that I was at an ICON facility. I stood around and panicked, because I felt like I was teleported from my home to ICON in Groningen, and the past four years got simply inserted into my memory, but never really happened? For a moment I didn't know why I was here or what is going on. I was still sitting in a chair in the study room in this moment, so I got up.

I noticed that something was not right, and everything around me became more and more surreal. I thought that I am maybe dreaming, as things became blurry. I distinctly remember that I had to convince myself that this is real, but that something was going very wrong. I stopped understanding much that was going on, but realized when going to the assistant's room that I had frequent black-outs (without fainting, or falling, of course), meaning there were / are holes in my memory.

Everything feels blurry and I can only remember a few sparks of memories inbetween events, after this paragraph.

I felt like I just started walking to the assistant's room next to the laundry room on the other side of the building, but suddenly I've found myself there, with no memory of walking. I knocked on the door, nobody opened.

I walked back to my bed (13), a maximum of 5 minutes could only had passed since I began feeling like this, most likely even less. I kept thinking that it was much longer, because to me so many things have happened that certainly more time must've passed.

When a much stronger version of dizziness, light headedness, and general loss of control, came over me, my first instinct was to press the alarm / emergency button on my wristband (whilst standing in front of my bed in my room). I could hold myself upwards, and when the assistant came in and asked “is there an emergency, or is everything fine?” (most likely perplexed as to her I was just standing there like a normal person, but to me hell was loose). I told her that I wasn't okay and I needed help.

In the first 20 minutes of assistants arriving, helping me, doing blood pressure, heart rate, etc. tests to see why my state of being has come, I felt the effects much stronger, especially because I was lying on my bed instead of moving or standing up right, which made me sink into another world more swiftly.

I felt like there was a cut and suddenly many people appeared. As if the past minutes were sped up. I immediately wanted to explain the situation and began talking about my symptoms and describing them in as good as detail as I could. I distinctly remember that I felt very competent in talking. I did stumble a lot, but still described my symptoms very accurately. I felt detached from my outside. In my mind, everything was going over and under, but when speaking it seemed like everything was okay. I masked my real emotions in that moment, meaning I was still in control and capable of doing that.

Not only did I have trouble staying focused, I often forgot what I was doing and what was going on and began having long breaks inbetween sentences), but I also had trouble ending my sentences. Some words would simply miss from my dictionary. I often just said German words in English sentences.

To be continued

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