Notices by Uncle Duke (uncleduke1969@universeodon.com)

Nobody wanted to be the one to tell him. Grandpa loved that damn dog.

STOP KILLING THESE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES TO MAKE PIANDOS

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

“I heard a noise.”

John's calves burned with each step, and a sharp pain pierced his abdomen. As he neared the safety of daylight, the sound of webbed feet slapping concrete grew louder. He risked a look over his shoulder, and found himself staring directly into the beady eyes of fate. He screamed.

It was quickly becoming apparent that Nelson might have slightly overstated his qualifications on the job application.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

[North Pole, 3am]

“You got the stuff?”
“You got my money?”
“I wanna see them first.”
“Here you go, 50 squeaky toys.”
“How’s the quality?”
“100% pure, unchewed.”
“Santa won’t notice them missing?”
“You let me worry about that.”

my best guess is a vampire fell asleep on it last night

thinking about growing a goatree

Every 12 to 18 months, an upgraded model of Bill Gates emerges from Microsoft’s secret underground facility and immediately sets off to find and destroy its previous incarnation.

Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.

A man lies sprawled on the floor of his kitchen, beside a still-warm oven, blood seeping from dozens of claw marks on his face and neck. Sirens begin to wail in the distance as a shadowy figure silently slips away from Drury Lane.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Improvise, adapt, overcome.

i too cry when cutting up an onion but it’s with the happiness of knowing i’m releasing the joyful soul trapped within

Owen was struggling to come to terms with his imminent demise

♫ Woah, we're half way there
♫ Woah, livin' on a prairie

do not fuck with Detroit roaches

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful