Notices by MostlyHarmless (mostlyharmless@thecanadian.social)

Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

So my friend called me from jail asking me if I could help her and post bond. I don't know how this is supposed to help, but okay...

I'll have the 10-year-old, please, medium rare...

In grade school it’s called bullying. But when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.

[phone rings at any time of day]
Me: What kind of psychopath would be calling me NOW?

A good way to unwind after a long day at work is to disappear into a swamp, build a cottage and defend your property from peasants carrying torches while reluctantly befriending a talkative donkey.

Rick Astley has done a better job of preventing people from clicking random links than any corporate cyber-security training.

Norwegian word for speed bump.

Ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?

Things can always get worse.

That ADHD urge to use parentheses in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content).

Forgot my phone at home, and instead of turning back I went on with my day. Not saying I'm a hero, but a commemorative stamp would be nice.

Capitalism 1970: "Work hard, you too can be rich."
Capitalism 1990: "Work hard and a few crumbs will fall down."
Capitalism 2020: "You should be willing to die in order to save the economy for the one percent."

The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.

Life pro tip: laminate your important papers at work. Not only does it prevent smearing, but the tears roll right off.

You saw it here first! Exclusive look at the new Transformers trailer!

What do democracy and football have in common?
Adding the word “American” completely changes the meaning.

Just signed a $10M contract to play for the Dodgers next year. Now I just need to get them to sign it.

Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.

I'm going to start a peanut butter company named Gif, wait for the inevitable lawsuit, and then let a court of law decide the pronunciation once and for all.