Looking for an old Irish friend called Kieron O'Connor who lived around the Elephant and Castle from the eighties until nearly two decades ago (specifically Rockingham and Borough). He moved back to Ireland (Cork?) and I'd love to get back in touch. Probably about 65 now.
He has to wear a tory 2024 t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's been spat on, punched, had a bottle thrown at him and hit on the head with a shoe.
I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
As a violinist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Dorset back country.
As I was not familiar with the country lanes, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guys had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my violin and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my arse......... It's the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Two marble statues of a man an a woman facing each other stand in an old park for centuries.
God looks at them from the above. He feels sorry for them – they're looking at each other all those centuries and yet couldn't do anything more since they're marble – so one night, when nobody's around to see, he turns them into living couple.
He says, "Okay. I made you alive and I'm letting you do whatever you've wanted to do all these years – for ten minutes. After that, I'm turning you back to marble statues"
Delighted, the now alive couple quickly dash to the nearest bushes. Moans and giggling noises can be heard. Ten minutes pass and they come out of the bushes all messy, but also smiling, relieved, and satisfied.
Looking at them all smiling, God feels sorry for them again and says, "Okay, okay, you have another ten minutes!"
As the couple run back towards the bushes, one turns towards the other and says, "This time you're holding the pigeon down and I'm shitting on it!"
@silverwizard Does any country use YYYY.MM.DD though? It sounds more like a data storage standard along with UTC, not a standard used by actual humans.
Does IT stuff.Likes permaculture, infosec, Tranmere Rovers. But mainly bad jokes stolen from https://www.justthetalk.co.uk/thehaven/17468/urgent-i-need-a-good-joke-right-nowMissing my Dad and little brother.