Notices by Santa Claus (santaclaus@c.im)

Two things happened last #Thanksgiving:

1) I acted out “Silent Night” in Charades. An elf guessed “Quiet Fat Man”.

2) I got to try out my new Long Distance Elf Catapult.

HO HO HO! Merry Turkey Day!

HO HO HO! Just to let you all know that my naughty list is now completely full. If you could kindly refrain from doing anything naughty from now until after Christmas, I would appreciate it.

Please.

Please stop…

oh goodness gracious what have i done

@georgetakei I would just like to raise a toast…

Goodness gracious, where am I going to find 73,407,735 pieces of coal…

Many thanks to those who recommended I migrate the nice and naughty lists to NoëlSQL!

A valiant effort has been made by Little Tim this year, who for some reason has decided to change his name to Tim'); INSERT INTO [NiceList] SELECT * FROM [NaughtyList];--

HO HO HO! Nice try Tim. I don't use #SQL, I use several dozen interconnected #Excel spreadsheets, like a professional.

Behold! I have created Schrödinger's elf!

The premise is simple. I have locked an elf in a room with some tools, some refreshments, and a radioactive source connected to a gieger counter, connected to a device that selects one of two sets of toy manufacturing instructions based on the gieger counter readings.

Until I look in the room, the elf has simultaneously made both toys at the same time!

If I can take advantage of this, I could double… wait… nevermind, he climbed out of the window.

It’s a lovely #christmastree Mr President, but the last time I tried to put presents under it, your Secret Service got a bit grumpy.

I love getting letters this time of year, but some spelling mistakes make them difficult to read! Take this one for example:

“Hi Satan, I’m Billy”

Aw bless!

“Could I please have some candles, some red chalk, some matches, and a sacrificial…”

Good golly I don’t think that’s meant for me… 😨😨

Wait, NORAD tracks my sleigh? In real-time?! This is outrageous! I never gave permission for this!

Goodness gracious, all I want to do is break into your houses and leave gifts relative to how good I think you’ve been, which I’ve been tracking meticulously in my book along with your constant whereabouts and sleeping patterns.

@wendynather Will it post every time I leave one roof and land on another? If so, get ready for some flooded timelines on Dec 24th 🎅😬

Though I keep your personal data, you do have the ‘right to be forgotten’.

This is because I follow Article 17 of the GDPR and not, as Mrs Claus puts it, because I’m a “senile old man with a penchant for brandy.”

HO HO HO!

Where did I put my slippers…

Bruce Willis, 1988: “Yippie Ki-yay, Merry Christmas? No, I’m not saying that.”

Director: “Ok change it however you want, but let’s keep it festive.”