Notices by batkaren (batkaren@mastodon.online)

Get in the Signal group chat, loser, we’re doing war crimes.

Pretty done with stories about dudes snogging chicks who were drugged unconscious—let’s return to simpler tales where if a guy saw a woman bathing naked, she turned him into a stag and set his own hounds upon him to rip him limb from limb.

B&E now means sneaking into someone’s house to eat their bacon and eggs.

As I make the jump to hyperspace, I realize I left the baby on top of the ship.

"The human body is just an elaborate network of pneumatic tubing," I say, coughing up a bank deposit canister.

"I'm such a night owl," I say, spinning my head 180 degrees to watch the rising full moon, awaiting the transformation…

Feels timely, The New Yorker

who else psyched for tomorrow morning’s market crash?

Wait…so, this is NOT a mobile dumpster?

I’m old enough to remember when “come once in a blue moon” referred to the first time a Smurf got anal.

By age 35, your 500-foot burial pyramid should already be 80% complete.

Do you even keto, The New Yorker?

@kariboka she just laughed nervously

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, so I asked, “Do you get a lot of people impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

Really wish my mortal coil were less shuffly.

Kinda weird how there are more rules to be in Fight Club than the Supreme Court.

Have we considered just winging shit without a president for a bit? See how it goes.

My boy Baker just took Best Ears at a street fair for dogs!

Shout out to witches who fly by their own means, free from misogynistic trappings of housework as transports.

Oh and fuck the dude who came up with that concept.

Breaking up with someone before a movie starts, trying to storm off, squeezing by in front of them, slowly scooching past the whole seat row…