Notices by batkaren (batkaren@mastodon.online)

I’m old enough to remember when “come once in a blue moon” referred to the first time a Smurf got anal.

By age 35, your 500-foot burial pyramid should already be 80% complete.

Do you even keto, The New Yorker?

@kariboka she just laughed nervously

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, so I asked, “Do you get a lot of people impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

Really wish my mortal coil were less shuffly.

Kinda weird how there are more rules to be in Fight Club than the Supreme Court.

Have we considered just winging shit without a president for a bit? See how it goes.

My boy Baker just took Best Ears at a street fair for dogs!

Shout out to witches who fly by their own means, free from misogynistic trappings of housework as transports.

Oh and fuck the dude who came up with that concept.

Breaking up with someone before a movie starts, trying to storm off, squeezing by in front of them, slowly scooching past the whole seat row…

HR just conducted a 1.5-hour company-wide interactive chat about awareness of people's different and preferred communication styles, and if they really respected mine, that meeting would have been an email.

I like how the apocalypse keeps rolling out and everyone’s all, “So…brunch still, right?”

"Grab some toilet paper!” I cry out. “There’s a bug out here!”

"Why?” my partner calls back. “You gonna wipe its ass?"

I never wanted to be a Disney Princess…except maybe the part where birds and small woodland creatures help do my chores and light accounting and whatnot.

A horror movie where, instead of being killed first, a dog’s the final girl.

“And the award for loudest chasm goes to… HOWLING VOID!”

HOWLING VOID: [howls]

The camera pans to Shrieking Abyss, just fucking glaring.

In the spirit of current movies using slow twee versions of 80s songs, I’d love if the upcoming Deadpool flick included a drawn out, soulful rendition of the old Transformers cartoon theme.

Just Lana Del Ray crooning about robots in disguise being more than meets the eye.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

LASSIE: BARK

ME: What is it, girl? Is Timmy stuck in the well?

LASSIE: BARK

ME: Is someone else stuck in the well?

LASSIE: BARK

ME: Is the well okay? Do the well stones need to be re-pointed? Is it well-related?