Notices by batkaren (batkaren@mastodon.online), page 2

HR just conducted a 1.5-hour company-wide interactive chat about awareness of people's different and preferred communication styles, and if they really respected mine, that meeting would have been an email.

I like how the apocalypse keeps rolling out and everyone’s all, “So…brunch still, right?”

"Grab some toilet paper!” I cry out. “There’s a bug out here!”

"Why?” my partner calls back. “You gonna wipe its ass?"

I never wanted to be a Disney Princess…except maybe the part where birds and small woodland creatures help do my chores and light accounting and whatnot.

A horror movie where, instead of being killed first, a dog’s the final girl.

“And the award for loudest chasm goes to… HOWLING VOID!”

HOWLING VOID: [howls]

The camera pans to Shrieking Abyss, just fucking glaring.

In the spirit of current movies using slow twee versions of 80s songs, I’d love if the upcoming Deadpool flick included a drawn out, soulful rendition of the old Transformers cartoon theme.

Just Lana Del Ray crooning about robots in disguise being more than meets the eye.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

LASSIE: BARK

ME: What is it, girl? Is Timmy stuck in the well?

LASSIE: BARK

ME: Is someone else stuck in the well?

LASSIE: BARK

ME: Is the well okay? Do the well stones need to be re-pointed? Is it well-related?

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it's an existing yeast infection medication.

When my elevator opens on another floor, I say “I’m high risk for Covid and can’t share, but I’ll get out and you can take it”.

I used to say I’m immunocompromised but switched to save time, and now folks seem to think I mean *I* have Covid and back away like “no no you go” while looking scared.

Honestly wish I’d thought of this years ago — people stepping back from me in disgust is all I ever wanted in life.

Baker reporting for sleigh duty

All Swinton edition

“It hurts when I go like this, doc,” I say.

My physician watches, her expression slipping into one of horror. “HOW IN FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING THAT?!”

Be sure to leave the bathroom door open to let in the WiFi.

Always bet on the horse that just took a monster dump.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I... I went home.

They say "you snooze, you lose," which means I start every morning failing multiple times in 9-minute intervals.

“I want a heart,” The Tin Man laments.

“And I need some c-c-c-courage,” The Cowardly Lion trembles.

“BRRAAAAINS,” says the zombie.

“… Where the hell’d Ray go?” asks the actor playing The Tin Man.

The Weather Channel presents the following new storm formations:

- Lava Tsunami
- hurriquakenado.org/pikachu
- Nuclear Plastic Squall
- Henry Cavillanche
- So Many Sinkholes
- Antarctic Wildfire Flavor Blast
- Poison Air
- Double-Corn 🌽🌽 Maelstrom Vortex
- DQ Blizzard
- Doooooom