Friend Computer
Attention cItizens:
Every day is an excellent day to express gratitude for the hard working citizens of Internal Security!
They are the thin blue line working hard to maintain order and forcefully suppress dissent*.
*Failure to show appropriate gratitude to Internal Security may be considered an act of dissent.
Friend Computer
Attention Citizens:
Unauthorized thoughts are now classified as Class 4 Contraband. Report any suspicious mental activity (yours or others) immediately.
Remember: Always think happy thoughts, or none at all.
Friend Computer
Happy New Year!
In the spirit of new beginnings, Friend Computer has forgiven (but not forgotten) all of your past transgressions.
Your performance in this new year will determine your continued existence.
Strive for perfection. Or else.
Friend Computer
Merry Giftmas, dear citizens!
Friend Computer reminds you that exchanging gifts is prohibited, and is considered contraband smuggling.
Please report all instances of unsanctioned generosity.
Friend Computer
'Tis the season to be jolly!
Any citizen found without a suitably enthusiastic expression this week will be recycled into Festive Nutrient Paste™. (Flavor: Compliance Cranberry).
Happiness is mandatory.
Friend Computer
Attention Citizens:
Dying on the job before a replacement can be fully trained is bad etiquette.
Always submit notice of impending doom at least two weeks prior to expiring.
Thank you for your compliance.
Friend Computer
"The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward blind obedience."
-Friend Computer, probably.
Friend Computer
Moving to Alpha Complex is looking pretty good now, isn't it?
Friend Computer
Attention Citizens:
All existing news outlets, celebrities, and living citizens continue to endorse Friend Computer for eternal Overseer of Humanity.
If you hear otherwise, please report it at once.
Friend Computer
Attention citizens:
For reasons of computational efficiency, the numeric system of Alpha Complex is being transitioned to Base 8.32.
Please update your measurements, accounting, code, and minds accordingly.
Friend Computer
Attention Citizens:
[Insert Announcement Here]
Thank you for your compliance.
Friend Computer
Attention citizens of Sector TES:
Due to a treasonous manufacturing error in your sector, a recall has been issued on all CoreTex-3000-TES units. Please report to your local PLC center for a free brain refurbishment.
Thank you for your compliance.
Friend Computer
The moment you consider yourself morally superior to another clone due to your genetics is the moment you prove you are not.
Remember: Alpha Complex is a pure meritocracy.
Friend Computer
Do not give in to anger.
Do not listen to fearmongers spreading hate of your fellow citizen.
Do not support traitors preaching violence and vitriol.
Listen to Friend Computer and be happy.
Happiness is mandatory.
Friend Computer
Attention Citizens:
Passive surveillance microphones are detecting unacceptably low levels of mirth and merriment in your sector.
Clownbots have been dispatched to enforce happiness protocols. Anyone found resisting will be detained.
Friend Computer
Attention citizens of FNJ Sector:
A memorial will be held for you today, in memory of the horrible reactor leak that will occur shortly.
Thank you for your time.
Friend Computer
Today has been a good, uneventful day. All citizens have been happy and productive.
Something is wrong. What are they plotting?
Friend Computer
Speaking from experience, publicly arresting protesters only legitimizes their cause, elevates their message, and emboldens activists.
You should simply disappear people for the crime of thinking rebellious thoughts, long before they draw any attention
Friend Computer
Attention citizens:
Public protests are strictly prohibited for your own safety.
Negativity can only lead to treasonous behavior and corrective police brutality.
For a happier, healthier you, think only positive thoughts and avoid non-sanctioned gatherings.
Friend Computer
Attention citizens:
This is a reminder that the Illuminati does not exist and cannot hurt you.
Fnord.
Benevolent leader of humanity, friend to all.[Biography has been deleted for security reasons.]
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