Notices by AaronDavid (aarondavid@beige.party)

No one ever watched The Lion King and said, "We should give Scar the benefit of the doubt and let him be king again"

@DrGeof Don't do it! There's no money in it 🙂

A father passing by his son's bedroom noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend SENGA from Glasgow because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Senga. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. Well 45 isn't old
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant with twins Senga said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan near the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Senga has opened my eyes to the fact that drink doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be making it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune when the homebrew is ready.....
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
Dad is shaking and sits down...
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home, 🤪

#Alt4Me

#Alt4Me

@Crystal_Fish_Caves @stephenfry Certainly is. Stephen Fry left a few years ago, it's been hosted since by Sandi Toksvig

BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(😎 THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

@patrickcmiller All of them. We already plug our phone into the router. People who want to keep their landline will have to do the same

@patrickcmiller We'll all need them soon. Land lines in the UK are being scrapped next year

A little boy asks his dad "Where does poo come from dad?"
His dad explains "Well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a pro-biotic reaction in the alimentary canal, this extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon, water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".
"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?"