Notices by elilla&, gewaltbereite migrantin (elilla@transmom.love)

the worst(?) part of it is I don't even have backlash to it anymore. I mean "worst" is not really the word. this is just an observation; this is how it is.

to have a background process in my mind that evaluates every local I meet, dates included, in "likelihood to expect me to culturally assimulate", "likelihood to escalate conflicts that are not with the enemy", "likelihood to agree to hiding my children in their basement", "likelihood to come fight if I'm being attacked ". to not be able to turn off this evaluation.

traveling to a kink party then getting massively affected by a Holocaust memorial because they all hit differently now. then still like, enjoying the kink party but there's also this, in the background. my poem about the experience elicits some strong reactions because of course it does, not all of them positive either because I mean how couldn't it it's the Holocaust, how can I write about it in any way that's satisfactory. how can I art about genocide, it's never enough. then there's so many people who genuinely, deeply appreciate me for who I am, who are enthusiastic about including the exact cultural differences that most of this society hates in me, trans people who cherish being with me with an intensity that makes me want to cry. then one of your trans friends is mourning the death of someone who was that to them, and what can I do about grief, about that bottomless hole. other than saying "I'm sorry for your loss", and what's that. then you have like the most beautiful date in the most beautiful sunny spring day. because, of course, you were trauma bonding with your date, so of course you feel bonded: even your loves are about trauma, even your fun is about pain, even your hobbies are about war. this used to freak me out but now I accept myself as what I am.

being condemned for being who I am made me see the value in who I am.

and then you're thinking of your own trans loss, your grief has calcified by now but it still flares in situations like this because how could it not? and you have to think of all the plans you never got to do with them. and your have to wonder how many more trans deaths, of all the people you have right now how many will be gone in five years? in this atmosphere? ten?

"I bind women with ropes because I do not want them to go away."

and then a new flirt is sending you oodles of love because you two been crushing so hard but there's this sense of like, underlying desperation to it, that you have to enjoy all the trans people in your life as hard as you can because who knows. three months from now I might be kicked out of the country, if the nazis don't get to me first. is this how the 80s felt.

oh yes did I mention there was another nazi rally today? background noise at this point, like who even cares. yeah you have a reichsflag shirt, wake up dude they're sending latinos to death camps already, you're not shocking anybody with that. just passed by a band of them after my date, they didn't bite so whatever. I can't lift a finger unless they attack me first or I get deported, and if they have the guts to start crap they're welcome to it. five against one I don't even care, a girl gets tired of waiting. but they look away, and waiting is what you have to do.

like everyone right now, aware that stuff is going to go down, just waiting for it. except of course for the people currently in places where stuff has already gone down, and by "stuff" we mean "bombs". cellphone videos you watch every day until one day you're the one filming. but hey another date tomorrow and then I'm hanging out with my queer protégés just to vibe and chill...

there's no backlash anymore, life is just this for me now: death and horrors interweaved with love and joy and trans ppl trying to be there for one another somehow, to varying degrees of success or failure, my own included.

so it turns out one of my kids didn't know just how much spiritual power the Pope has and that it means literally Daddy and there's only one for the entire planet. so I told them how it works and papal infability and also the original meaning of the word "canon". and they said, "every time you tell me more facts about the Catholic Church I think you're pulling my leg and then it's all real"

me: ...and the Ninth House is like a necromantic version of the Catholic Church—well the Catholic Church is already the necromantic version of the Catholic Church but you get my meaning—
kid: no, what do you mean? what's so necromancer-coded about the Catholics?
me: well... *cracks fingers*

@slothrop I probably won't get down to that so the keywords here are: penitence and masochism, blood tears, sitgmata, holy relics, ossuaries particularly Sedlec, martyred saints and folk magic use thereof, Lazarus and the materiality of the upcoming resurrectio carnis, and the fact that the Holy Sacrament of Communion is literally, materially, (not! metaphorically), ritual cannibalism.

plus, you know, the vibes

"In fact, JD Vance is the last person I want to meet!"—Papa Franciscus I, the Misunderstood

found a great blog for people like me, who can read Japanese but like, rusty:
https://kokoro-kinbaku.com/
so you can get recommendations of resources to dig after and apply yourself to research.

as usual not much in the lesbian or queer dimensions but you can find some great resources there including on history (e.g. 1) or on people who interest me like Kanna (2), even my idol Hōrai Kasumi (3).

1. https://kokoro-kinbaku.com/2014/08/20/nawa-yumio-history-of-torture-and-punishment-%e6%8b%b7%e5%95%8f%e5%88%91%e7%bd%b0%e5%8f%b2-1963/
2. https://kokoro-kinbaku.com/2018/08/07/kanna-interview-in-mania-club-2017/
3. https://kokoro-kinbaku.com/2016/05/18/hourai-kasumi-in-sm-mania-2010-and-2015-and-dvds/

been following the fact that we're doing, ähm it says here "shock police kidnapping and shipping undesirables to a concentration camp", in 2025 that's just a thing now. yet until now the coin didn't really drop that if I was in the USA I would definitely have to gtfo or be disappeared in a torture prison full of innocents that nobody ever left alive. huh.

I mean, a tattooed activist Latina migrant? I fit the profile down to a T. yeah I'm a legal immigrant without a criminal record but that hasn't protected Trump's victims—75% of the Venezuelans sent to the Salvadorian death camp had no criminal charges, and now nobody can talk to them probably because CECOT ate them alive. pure luck that I ended up in the country where they're demonising Muslim immigrants instead

sometimes I'm just struck by how cool people are and how easy it is to feed them and have a nice chill life and how weird it is that we're all trapped in these dysfunctional coloniser patterns when as a collective we could just... not. you know? we could just not do any of those things and just hang out

hey y'all what are you using for reading rss these days? features that I need:

- either X/desktop or TUI
- full keyboard operation possible
- filtering function

@augustocc poxa me chamasse que eu ajudava a resgatar os carregamentos de bom grado. infelizmente várias armas foram uh perdidas no processo mas a genfe fez o que deu, patrão

Ihe myth of consensual Rauchmelder

:blobcat_ohno: "I don't consent!"
:chick_bold: "I don't consent!"
👁️ Vonovia: "dont care lmao"

isn't there somebody you forgot to ask?

nothing of the installers yet. super anxious >.>

they seem to be drilling in the attic right above us. hopefully the damn things can't snitch on us through the ceiling or anything

at least I'm not the only one protesting this thing. news from today, in fact:

https://www.nd-aktuell.de/artikel/1190232.brandmelder-vonovia-mieter-protestieren-gegen-spionage-funktionen.html

my secret skill: I know the lyrics to all the Shōwa-era Kamen Rider theme songs by heart.

I haven't even watched any other than Black and RX, but I can sing all of them

topical kamen rider antifa crimes

this is my periodic reminder that Kamen Rider Black Sun (2022) is about Japanese Greta Thunberg finding out that if you start a revolutionary worker's party you just get coopted, and the true way is to run a violent guerilla insurrection. this is portrayed as a good thing.

and yes it's still a show about edgy cockroach superheroes fighting bug anthros. only the anthros are a very blatant metaphor for immigrants and the real villain is the President. by the end of the show it's not a metaphor anymore, they spell it out. also it's a pro-political assassination show. published *after* Abe was killed in the funniest possible way.

I have no idea how this thing is allowed to exist, and with my childhood cockroach hero to boot. they even made the main character a girl, specifically for me

"the problem isn't the technology, it's how people are using—" gonna stop you right there fam, the problem is totally the technology

my position with regards to safety vs visibility is best expressed by the fact that

- when I started passing as a cis woman, I tattooed the words "TRANS" and "GENDER" on each of my middle fingers.
- when Germany started deporting people like me, white girls who supported the Kurdish movement, I tattoed "Jin Jiyan Azadî" on my neck.
- when an anarchist was arrested in Switzerland without due process for translating a book, I tattooed the black flag on the other side of the neck.
- after I was attacked by a neonazi for the first time (and beat him up), I tattooed the three arrows and the antifa flag on the back of each hand.

day of visibility? honey every day I go out dressed in the neon pink of the triangle. I spent a third of my life in the most trans-murderous country of the world, terrified of ever beeing seen. I always did my best to stay as safe as I could and that was, I cannot emphasise how literal I am being here, worse than Death. I will never hide again.

day of visibility? every day is visibility, every day is revenge. come at me bro. I'm running out of exposed surfaces for tattoos but I look forward for what will have to be my next one. maybe "ILLEGAL" on my forehead, or something to do with rivers.

for the record before SRS I took 5mg every 2 days and my T was *nuked*, like it was lower than the cis girl reference minimum. I know trans women who took 2.5mg every 2 days and were fully in the cis girl range, but you definitely shouldn't take this thing for life, please go read transfemscience until you learn to fear it.

https://transfemscience.org/articles/cpa-dosage/

https://transfemscience.org/articles/cpa-meningioma/

and stop taking 50mg ,100mg per day my Gods. 50mg at only 20 days/month gives you a 20× increase in meningioma risk. (same goes for medroxy—it's probably not going to kill you but please keep your usage of it time-limited or it *might*)