Notices by elilla&, gewaltbereite migrantin (elilla@transmom.love)

uh

I got the yearly adjustment bill from the power company and they're asking for, it says here 2536,17€. to be debited automatically, uh next week.

I don't have 2536,17€. that's like, almost my netto salary. I was able to keep our family together without going into debt but barely, I'm not so good at saving money. I probably could have saved this much over a year or two if I had cut on many luxuries but I didn't. we got some heavy retroactive adjustments in the past, but never like this. never over a thousand euros.

to make matters worse our visas are about to expire and we're currently applying for citizenship and permanent status, i.e. the worst possible timing to go into debt. I'll have to show my back statement at the Ausländerbehörde. this won't be pretty.

moreover our monthly electricity fee increased to 316€ which is like, 3.7x what we were paying before? am I missing something here? I was wondering whether we're wasting electricity on something but our yearly use has barely changed from the previous year, and it's pretty average for a 5-people family with electric water heating.

what do I do now. with all the worse things that are going on with the world I find it unlikely I'll be able to fundraise that much money, for a middle-class family in Germany. I'm the only income earner and I don't know what I could do in addition to a full-time job to bring in cash like that...

*edit*: to make it clear, there's no major discrepancy in the energy consumption. our consumption in 2024 in kWh increased 4.32%. only the energy monthly *fee* increased 267.44%, not our energy use.

some kind people already sent us some money; thank you; I'll ask the power company to divide the debt into installments like someone suggested, I'll start a fundraiser later if there's no other way, any ko-fis we get in the meantime will be for bad surprise funds.

on a "provider comparison" site I'm getting prices as low as 196€/mo for the same energy use. still a whole lot and we'll definitely lose the luxury of long hot showers from now on, but if my math is correct 200 is a lot less than 316, that's like, 1300+ per year... still if I know my German scams there's probably some fine print somewhere that if I wanted to change providers I should have notified them by fax 4 months ago and now I'm required to offer my blood for twelve moons, or something...

I put a little fundraiser thing on the kofi at https://ko-fi.com/transmom/goal?g=6 , mostly to keep track of contributions that friends have sent. the deadline for the bill is May 19 so I really hope the thing with the installments work... I'll try to make a better post about this later, right now I can't emotionally process this...

Dear Germans:

No, I did not send the letter
before the date you clearly said I had to
send the letter.
No, I did not call the clinic,
and when I did it was not Sprech
zeiten, and I started crying,
and I did not try again.
No, there is no particular reason why
I didn't read the part of the letter
that said the contract can only be cancelled
with three months of advance notice sent by
Post.
I was reading the glyphs carved by bore-bugs
on toadflax leaves by the rotting wood.
No, I did not do my tax declaration.
No, I did not floss since last visit.
I do not remember the difference between a Steuernummer and a Steuer
identifikationsnummer.
No, I did not lüft the räume five minutes every morning.
No, I did not kill the mold on the corner of the wall either,
the mold is there for so long that it feels like my friend.
I do not like to do it,
the killing.
The mold and me, we're the same,
I am mold hot and humid on perfect German walls,
and all the Germans are shopping for Schimmelentferner,
not the öko bio one that doesn't kill, the kind based on
bleach.
No, I still cannot speak German
no, after all these years I cannot speak German
I am not strong enough to speak German
I will never speak German
every time I try to speak German you don't understand my accent
and correct my genders and
I want to die.
No, I did not bring a Überweisung.
No, I do not know the name of my
Hausartzt.
No, I did not call in advance to make a Termin.
I only insisted five times for the Ausländerbehörde
to send me the PIN to my electronic Aufenthaltstitel
it's my fault I don't have one.
No, I did not deescalate the situation,
I could have deescalated the situation,
I chose to escalate the situation,
I did not act responsible like a mother should do
I punched that Nazi because I wanted to
and next time it happened I escalated it again and
when they ran away I was
disappointed.
No, I did not travel mid-pandemic every three months to swipe
the health insurance card that said
I'm a man.
No, when the police told us at Lützerath
that if we left now we would not be charged,
I did not leave.
No, I did not ask your consent first to shout Fuck you cop.
I did not build consensus in a plenum to have a mandate
to speak for everyone I just shouted
Fuck you cop.
No, we did not find another school yet
for the child who you failed at the school
where you said it was their imagination that
they struggled with
Ausländerfeindlichkeit.
No, I did not notice the part of the contract
where it said capital owners
are free from the flow of time
and can increase your bills a year ago
retroactively.
I was not responsible with money either I was not responsible
with anything
other than my children's feelings and
wild flowers and
homeless trans people.
No, these children do not have a Krankenkarte
or a Krankenkasse or a Krankenversicherung
if they have a Krankenkarte the police will come
and deport them
all we have is a Krank.
All we brought you doktor
is a Krank.

No, I do not own a FUCKING fax machine.

I did not do any of the things.
I did not want to do any of the things.
I failed to feel guilt for not doing any of the things,
I only cry and cry and cry, violating
Ruhezeiten.
It's all my fault.
I am not well-integrated.
I deserve all the fees and
punishments.
With piles of papers all over the room,
I am in Germany.
Outside in Germany the forests of folk-tales have fallen
to make paper, long ago.
Furry bumblebees come kiss
the flowers painted on my summer dress.
The sun sings to me softly.

Dear friends, it pains me to ask for mutual aid when so many bad things are happening in the world, but we got an unexpected bill for 2536,17€ at the worst possible timing, and as a single-income mother of 4 I have nowhere else to turn to.

https://ko-fi.com/transmom/goal?g=22

Many of you in the fediverse know our situation: We are a 100% immigrant, queer family in Germany, including both my legal children and also found-family homeless trans youth who had nowhere else to turn to. We are politically engaged in the anarchist, antifascist, and ecological/forest defense movements. After many years here we're currently applying for citizenship and solving paperwork issues that will allow everyone to study, work and live without fear of deportation. We fulfill all requisites, in theory; but the bureaucracy is hellish.

Yesterday we got a letter informing us that our electricity costs have increased over 3.7 times, retroactively for 2024. This was not an increase in our power consumption, but on the fees. This sudden raise was common accross Europe but due to the way that bills work in Germany, we are expected to pay the difference—2536,17€—all in one go, before May 19. There might be a way to negotiate payment in installments with the utility company, but we have to pay it regardless. Moreover our monthly power bill went from 85€ to 316€ (!), which plus the installments will be a real hit on the monthly budget. We will of course be radically saving electricity from now on, but again due to the way bills work in Germany, that will only make a difference after 12 months, for the next adjusment.

This is bad timing because many of our visas are about to expire, in less than 3 months, and government agencies are very slow to respond. Our citizenship applications were made more than 6 months ago but we had no answer yet, so now we're forced to apply redundantly for a residence visa renewal (which itself cost over 350€). During these applications our finances are examined, and I have to prove I have the means to maintain my family here. Getting into debt at this point could be catastrophic; after almost a decade here, my job, their school, passports, our whole life here would be lost.

Please do prioritise in your mutual aid people undergoing genocide, or in warzones or direct life threat. I will also continue to do so, once we're out of this hole. But if you have the means to share some cash with us, even if we don't cover the full bill, the more we can cover of it the better our situation will look before the gaze of immigration authorities. Even small amounts like 1 or 2 bucks add up. If you're in no position to help, a boost is helpful also. Once our budget is in the green again, your generosity will be passed forward. Help us stay here and I guarantee we'll keep supporting queer people, creating art, punching nazis, and generally agitating the Imperial core from the inside. Thanks for your kindness 🙇♀️

#mutualAid
https://ko-fi.com/transmom/goal?g=22

other girls: you should cancel Duolingo because they're replacing humans with AI
me: you should have cancelled Duolingo a long time ago because it both doesn't work and gives you the sensation that you're learning. it's a trap, a red herring.

ok also the AI thing, the AI thing is pretty bad. if you didn't cancel Duolingo before you should definitely do so now. but since you're cancelling Duolingo anyway why don't you take this opportunity to change your language learning methods to something that makes you able to use a language? :pinkgirl_bigheart:

- tandem partners
- (100%) conversation-oriented courses
- reading for pleasure
- playing videogames
- flirting
- basically anything where your attention is focused on using the language in practice to convey a message and interact with people and art without grammar analsyis, abstract sample text, isolated sentences, spaced repetition, flashcards, translation, all this busywork that feels like hard-won progress but keeps you spinning gears
- read Kató Lomb https://tesl-ej.org/books/lomb-2nd-Ed.pdf
- read Krashen https://www.sdkrashen.com/

nothing like arriving home to a letter from the children's school misgendering me.

the funniest thing is they go "Herrn elilla (deadname) ferreira da silva..." and it's like, if they know I'm trans then, why

aviso-lhes que sou muito obliqua e 100% dissimulada :blobcatverified:

being a Third World immigrant means that when you talk of even the most cautious and conservative IPCC-validated ecological predictions, e.g. that we'll all be rationing electricity and water in the next few decades or that heatwaves will make it dangerous to go outside at certain times etc., First World people call you a lunatic nihilist dooming over unthinkable apocalypse fantasy scenarios, out of the sheer force of denial that even the slightest drop in European levels of material comfort is survivable, or even conceivable.

and the impossible unliveable doom they're so shocked to even discuss is like, your childhood.

the worst(?) part of it is I don't even have backlash to it anymore. I mean "worst" is not really the word. this is just an observation; this is how it is.

to have a background process in my mind that evaluates every local I meet, dates included, in "likelihood to expect me to culturally assimulate", "likelihood to escalate conflicts that are not with the enemy", "likelihood to agree to hiding my children in their basement", "likelihood to come fight if I'm being attacked ". to not be able to turn off this evaluation.

traveling to a kink party then getting massively affected by a Holocaust memorial because they all hit differently now. then still like, enjoying the kink party but there's also this, in the background. my poem about the experience elicits some strong reactions because of course it does, not all of them positive either because I mean how couldn't it it's the Holocaust, how can I write about it in any way that's satisfactory. how can I art about genocide, it's never enough. then there's so many people who genuinely, deeply appreciate me for who I am, who are enthusiastic about including the exact cultural differences that most of this society hates in me, trans people who cherish being with me with an intensity that makes me want to cry. then one of your trans friends is mourning the death of someone who was that to them, and what can I do about grief, about that bottomless hole. other than saying "I'm sorry for your loss", and what's that. then you have like the most beautiful date in the most beautiful sunny spring day. because, of course, you were trauma bonding with your date, so of course you feel bonded: even your loves are about trauma, even your fun is about pain, even your hobbies are about war. this used to freak me out but now I accept myself as what I am.

being condemned for being who I am made me see the value in who I am.

and then you're thinking of your own trans loss, your grief has calcified by now but it still flares in situations like this because how could it not? and you have to think of all the plans you never got to do with them. and your have to wonder how many more trans deaths, of all the people you have right now how many will be gone in five years? in this atmosphere? ten?

"I bind women with ropes because I do not want them to go away."

and then a new flirt is sending you oodles of love because you two been crushing so hard but there's this sense of like, underlying desperation to it, that you have to enjoy all the trans people in your life as hard as you can because who knows. three months from now I might be kicked out of the country, if the nazis don't get to me first. is this how the 80s felt.

oh yes did I mention there was another nazi rally today? background noise at this point, like who even cares. yeah you have a reichsflag shirt, wake up dude they're sending latinos to death camps already, you're not shocking anybody with that. just passed by a band of them after my date, they didn't bite so whatever. I can't lift a finger unless they attack me first or I get deported, and if they have the guts to start crap they're welcome to it. five against one I don't even care, a girl gets tired of waiting. but they look away, and waiting is what you have to do.

like everyone right now, aware that stuff is going to go down, just waiting for it. except of course for the people currently in places where stuff has already gone down, and by "stuff" we mean "bombs". cellphone videos you watch every day until one day you're the one filming. but hey another date tomorrow and then I'm hanging out with my queer protégés just to vibe and chill...

there's no backlash anymore, life is just this for me now: death and horrors interweaved with love and joy and trans ppl trying to be there for one another somehow, to varying degrees of success or failure, my own included.

so it turns out one of my kids didn't know just how much spiritual power the Pope has and that it means literally Daddy and there's only one for the entire planet. so I told them how it works and papal infability and also the original meaning of the word "canon". and they said, "every time you tell me more facts about the Catholic Church I think you're pulling my leg and then it's all real"

me: ...and the Ninth House is like a necromantic version of the Catholic Church—well the Catholic Church is already the necromantic version of the Catholic Church but you get my meaning—
kid: no, what do you mean? what's so necromancer-coded about the Catholics?
me: well... *cracks fingers*

@slothrop I probably won't get down to that so the keywords here are: penitence and masochism, blood tears, sitgmata, holy relics, ossuaries particularly Sedlec, martyred saints and folk magic use thereof, Lazarus and the materiality of the upcoming resurrectio carnis, and the fact that the Holy Sacrament of Communion is literally, materially, (not! metaphorically), ritual cannibalism.

plus, you know, the vibes

"In fact, JD Vance is the last person I want to meet!"—Papa Franciscus I, the Misunderstood

found a great blog for people like me, who can read Japanese but like, rusty:
https://kokoro-kinbaku.com/
so you can get recommendations of resources to dig after and apply yourself to research.

as usual not much in the lesbian or queer dimensions but you can find some great resources there including on history (e.g. 1) or on people who interest me like Kanna (2), even my idol Hōrai Kasumi (3).

1. https://kokoro-kinbaku.com/2014/08/20/nawa-yumio-history-of-torture-and-punishment-%e6%8b%b7%e5%95%8f%e5%88%91%e7%bd%b0%e5%8f%b2-1963/
2. https://kokoro-kinbaku.com/2018/08/07/kanna-interview-in-mania-club-2017/
3. https://kokoro-kinbaku.com/2016/05/18/hourai-kasumi-in-sm-mania-2010-and-2015-and-dvds/

been following the fact that we're doing, ähm it says here "shock police kidnapping and shipping undesirables to a concentration camp", in 2025 that's just a thing now. yet until now the coin didn't really drop that if I was in the USA I would definitely have to gtfo or be disappeared in a torture prison full of innocents that nobody ever left alive. huh.

I mean, a tattooed activist Latina migrant? I fit the profile down to a T. yeah I'm a legal immigrant without a criminal record but that hasn't protected Trump's victims—75% of the Venezuelans sent to the Salvadorian death camp had no criminal charges, and now nobody can talk to them probably because CECOT ate them alive. pure luck that I ended up in the country where they're demonising Muslim immigrants instead

sometimes I'm just struck by how cool people are and how easy it is to feed them and have a nice chill life and how weird it is that we're all trapped in these dysfunctional coloniser patterns when as a collective we could just... not. you know? we could just not do any of those things and just hang out

hey y'all what are you using for reading rss these days? features that I need:

- either X/desktop or TUI
- full keyboard operation possible
- filtering function

@augustocc poxa me chamasse que eu ajudava a resgatar os carregamentos de bom grado. infelizmente várias armas foram uh perdidas no processo mas a genfe fez o que deu, patrão