Notices by Staff Chief of Joints (the_etrain@beige.party)

Panda Express: we put a panda on your doorstep in an hour or less, or your panda's free.

I need a gift that says "sorry I puked in your aquarium".

They're going to have to invent new drugs to get me through the next 4 years.

Me: Why am I all jittery and uneasy right now?

Brain: You've had 4 cups of black coffee and nothing to eat.

Me: *stabs brain with q-tip* *sips coffee*

Over the course of 2 years, I have told exactly 3 IRL people about Mastodon. None of them had ever heard of Mastodon.

Last night, I described Mastodon as micro-blogging like Twitter, but full of subversives.

Had to explain to my kids that sometimes the pie fairy comes while you're sleeping and eats a slice of the pie you just bought. I was immediately accused of being the pie fairy.

In absolutely unrelated news, 43 typewriters were stolen last night and the only clues were a bunch of banana peels and clumps of poo flung everywhere.

My sex robot runs on Linuxxx.

I can't take it anymore. Can this website send you notifications? Hey look, an embedded auto play video after two paragraphs! Wanna log in with a free account? Wanna download our app? Did you change your mind on notifications? Stop it. Just fucking stop. Knock the shit off. You've ruined the internet you fucking insufferable knobs.

Sweet Jesus implies tart Jesus.

If you shitpost, they will come.

Make sure you check your kids' Halloween candy because there're sick bastards out there that think mint and chocolate go together.

Has anyone told rich people it's possible to have teeth that are too white? Like, if your smile can blind people with reflected sunlight, you've gone too far.

Don't talk to me until I've had coffee. Actually, don't talk to me after I've had coffee either.

If you kill a stink bug, does it become a stunk bug?

Me: It's only 5am, I still have time to fall back asl--

Brain: Hey buddy. Remember that weird shit that happened 30 years ago? I do.

I have a theory that 90 to 95% of all selfies posted on the internet are taken within 6 feet of a toilet.

JD is also one of his core principles: justified dishonesty.

Reply ghosts be like "not all phantasms".