Just some idle thoughts @tchambers. I love that you've put all this in one place, I love the tongue-in-cheek way you explain it all, and I'm really excited to see part II, with the potential solutions you have to offer.
I'm especially hoping to see some love for the FEP process, given the way you seem to casually dismiss it towards the end of the piece. Some of these UX fixes do need protocol-level support, and FEPs are a community-driven process for filling AP potholes.