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For whoever out there needs to report "five things I got done this week," I offer a tech-bro-speak writeup of the activities of a small child:

1. Resolved an apparent paradox in knot theory, resulting in substantially improved system security (tied my shoes).

2. Isolated the root cause of a blocking problem and removed the barrier, retaining relevant evidence for post-mortem analysis (sneezed and wiped snot on my sleeve).

3. Stress-tested a rapid response system, demonstrating successful mobilization of key individuals with extremely low latency (screamed).

4. Discovered an important resource unavailability and implemented an alternative last-mile delivery protocol in order to meet a time-critical need (peed myself).

5. Completed scheduled downtime in response to substantially degraded system performance and restored operating efficiency to full (took a nap).