Embed Notice

I wish my family would take me seriously. My cousin doesn't understand that tonight may be the last time she sees me. The last time she hugs me. She thinks because I've never done it before, I won't, but she doesn't understand.

I'm not fishing for attention. I'm not looking for "call the hotline" messages. I'm not looking for pity.

You don't know my situation. You don't understand. There's so many people who live with me. One of them has untreated bipolar. I can hear her talking about me over two fans running. I can't do anything in my own home without hearing how she thinks I'm stripping her rights away. Communication isn't allowed. We aren't allowed to ask for a schedule. Even saying, 'I need everyone to wash their hands after they take the trash out" is too big of an ask.

I'm not allowed to kick her out, and she refuses to go to work. Nobody will go to work. Only one person has a job, and that person is holding everything together. I just want to wash my dishes. I want to take the trash out. I want to clean my house. I want to wash my clothes. I want to eat. I want to shower.

I am thirty. Ever since my mother died, my life has been hell. I was doing better, and then all of a sudden, we had to take this monster into my home.

If I kill myself tonight, I will leave instructions for my cousin to send out a message to you all, to my people on Discord, to my followers on YouTube. I know everyone says, "It gets better", but I live in a situation where even though this is my home, I have to watch how loudly I breathe. I have to think so far ahead assuming how she might react. I can't shower unless she's asleep. The only one allowed to feel bad is her. Nobody else can show emotions. I am not allowed to leave if she starts talking to me, because then I hear her banging things around and talking about how nobody wants to listen to her. When she speaks, she keeps whoever she is talking to captive for hours, and then claims you're the one who drained her social battery. She s the only one allowed to speak during this. You don't get a turn. She doesn't allow us to set a schedule for anything so we can get stability because of how much it "stresses [her] out". She actively talks about sabotaging people. She's the reason I'm way less left wing than I used to be. She refuses to go to work, and expects everyone else to take everyone over, yet refuses to accept any help. She wont clean her children's room, and their floor is filthy. She doesn't get on a sleep schedule, and blames it on everyone else. She doesn't let anyone else feed her kids, and she sleeps all day. She sleeps in the living room right near the kitchen because we don't have room for her, so we can't eat or clean or do anything while she's asleep, and then she "requires" two hours of alone time before anyone can come out, and refuses to take this time to go be somewhere else. She talks about how she is imprisoned all the time, and refers to her and her kids as "homeless" even though they've lived with me for close to a year. I'm not allowed to use earphones outside of my room because I have to always be available in case she wants to talk. You're required to agree with everything she says. She is trying to live off the government instead of getting even a basic retail job. She quit her last job because they disrespected her. She doesn't let her kids be in public school, or visit friends. Any time I finally leave the house to go see my family, she says I'm being sneaky. We have to be quiet, but she can be as loud as she wants to be. We can't breathe, and she lights incense. We can't leave the house, she can come and go as she pleases. And I don't have any evidence to prove that she is abusive, so I can't call the cops and have her taken away from here. I'm not strong enough physically or mentally to be able to kill them and make the problem go away myself, and if I did that, the only person bringing in income will turn me in, or leave, and then I will die anyway because the electricity is paid by the day, and I don't have money because I'm disabled and can't go to work at most jobs.

This is supposed to be my home. They all trashed it. It's very broken down now. To the point where we could fall through the floor any day now. They ruined the one piece of furniture I bought. I'm scared they're going to break the conch shell my dad bought m, and that's all I have left of him.They're all probably leaving rings on my table, which I am not allowed to use. It was passed down from my grandparents who hand made it and gave it to us. I can't walk up and down the hallway with earphones in because it bothers her, and I needed it to keep my muscles from getting this deteriorated. The rare time they finally leave the house, they don't tell anyone, so we don't even get to come out and clean or do anything while they're gone because the rest of us are hiding in our rooms. She ruined my birthday by intentionally watching a movie with her kids so nobody could speak. We had made a big deal out of everyone else's birthdays. She didn't say happy birthday to me. When I kicked them out before she wasted their food money on hair dye. She refers to things she does for herself as treats for herself, and we don't know if she also gets them for her kids. when their mother acts up, her youngest child who isn't even a teenager yet apologizes on her behalf because she knows her mother doesn't apologize.

I don't deserve this. I shouldn't have to die to get out of this situation., but I actually might soon. I may actually be gone soon. I may leave a video that I want shared by my cousin online. I hope that if this is how it has to go, that it at least serves as some form of message. Something that finally makes everyone who wouldn't believe me understand that this is actually how bad it is here. Everyone in this house has made plans to kill themselves.

My situation was bad before everyone moved in, but I never knew it could get so much worse. My mom was a terrible person, but my situation was much better than this. I didn't know it could get worse.

I don't have the energy to be able to do anything to change my situation. I can't have friends over. I can't go see anyone. I can't work, I can't get help. I am in a situation where I am so burned out that I can't manage anything, and even if I finally was in a situation where i could finally clean, it would take mea long time before I could finally relax and know for a fact that they're finally gone and never coming back. Even last time when they were kicked out, they left all of their things behind, so we couldn't even clean or spread out or change rooms over, or anything because we "weren't allowed to touch their things".

It would be better for everyone if I posted less so people didn't miss me as much if I end up doing this.