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1ST PLACE (35%): Intel i960
How the hell does Digikey still sell this? This is a RISC CPU by Intel that was created after the disaster that was the iAPX 432. It's a... relatively normal 32-bit RISC CPU! It was intended to be used in a computer platform co-developed by Siemens called BiiN, which was Ada-based, but that project tanked and Intel re-marketed the processor for other use cases. It couldn't compete with SPARC and MIPS, but it actually did well in embedded solutions. Not to be confused with the i860, mind you; that came out years later, was a 64-bit solution, and brought back all the problems the iAPX 432 had. The people that made the i960 went on to make the Pentium Pro; the people that made the i860 went on to make Itanium.

Only downside? Apparently the address and data bus are multiplexed :( So someone else has to develop a circuit to properly demux this nonsense if this were to become a physical device! But hey, aside from that, we can start thinking of better things, like what to do for graphics and audio. We get a full 4GiB of address space to play with!