Embed Notice

Feeling exceptionally shitty today. Couldn't find the motivation to even get out of bed until almost 1pm, and it took 3 more hours before I could find the spoons to make lunch.

It's been 8 months now since I got laid off and my dumb ass brain still can't handle the idea of going back to work. I feel stupid and broken. I need to get off my ass and start working again but the thought of dealing with all that modern endpoint management shit again just absolutely fills me with dread. But if I don't go back into IT, then what the hell will I do? That's where practically all of my professional experience is - over a decade's worth - and I don't have a college degree. DJing, maybe? But I still don't think I'm all that good at it... and even if I was, most of the opportunity I did have there is lost. My primary interest is in mixing trance music and that's just not all that popular anymore... plus the wave of DJs being able to support themselves by streaming on Twitch is basically over, and connections I did make during the pandemic that could have helped were totally squandered due to my inaction.

But... wasting opportunity is not a new thing for me anyway....... so yet again I have nobody to blame but myself.

I am struggling so hard to see a path forward here, struggling to even figure out what the hell I even *want* to do... and I fucking hate myself for it. My wyvern has been beyond patient and kind with me... which I am immensely thankful for... but I am terrified that if I can't get my shit together soon that I'm gonna wear out my welcome. I'm continually dropping the ball at even getting stuff done around the house.

I feel lost and helpless, adrift in a sea that continues to get rougher and rougher, an angry sea that threatens to swallow me whole if I don't do something, anything to save myself... and yet even that seems insurmountable and I fucking hate myself for it. *sighs*