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Dying isn't what it looks like in the movies.

In the movies you don't see the mess, the frustration, the sadness.

Especially when you die poor.

Dying poor in the US means you die hard and your family goes through the hard with you. The hard of hospice care -- when you're on Medicaid and have scant resources. The hard of estate planning -- when there is no estate. The hard of settling debt -- when there was no financial rigor in the first place.The hard of making peace -- when there is no peace for a man whose family trauma traps him in a cycle of self deception and anger.

Who was the poet that said 'do not go easy into that good night'? Dylan Thomas? I want dad to die easy. I want his passing to be gentle and soft.

But it's not going to be that. It's going to be struggle.

That's what I cried about. That's what I'm grieving. That I can't even give my dad an easy death when he deserves and needs it.

Gotdamn this is hard.

#DadsLump #Adulting