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Welp. Memory mapping anything but actual memory via OCTOSPI seems to be full of dragons, I have a support case opened with ST but am not hopeful.

Tl;dr there is a 32-byte prefetch cache that doesn't seem possible to turn off. So any kind of read-with-side-effects or status register doesn't seem practical to implement.

Unless there's a chicken bit to turn it off, which is always possible (I opened a support ticket to ask).