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the part that i really struggle with is that this is forever. i'm not just forcing myself to eat for a few days and then i can go back to normal again. i'm gonna have to eat three meals a day every day. every single day. and i'm so scared, i want to cry and, well, now i do wanna barf.

the desire to give up and stop eating gets stronger with every single meal, and there are so many in the day.

i spend an hour getting mentally ready for a meal, an hour preparing and eating it, an hour recovering from it, and it's almost time to start mentally preparing for the next one!

i know it's gonna get easier eventually, but i think it'll have to keep getting harder for a good while first.

i hate food.