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I guess since this snarky meme post of mine seems to be getting a lot of traction I should offer some helpful advice to go along with it!

Here's a helpful guide on the process of migrating your account https://fedi.tips/transferring-your-mastodon-account-to-another-server/

If you're not sure where to move to, take a look at where your friends are posting from and ask about their experience on their instance. In most cases, users from an instance can provide you with an invite link even if registration on that instance is closed